10 Sex Tips For Yestergays & Togays

1 - Poppers are an evil necessary for some of the foul homosexual acts you as a gay will encounter. Remember though,once you pop you can't stop. See earlier expose on shoddy poppers packaging.

2 - Have a wash and make that a proper wash, inside & out. No shame in the douche, better be safe than sorry.

3 - Never accept a pig-in-the-poke. In todays clubs, online 'dating' and advance peek at the goods is always acceptable. Again, peek NOT poke large balls can oft be mistaken for cockage.

4 - Keep a towel close by, if the deed is performed in your gaff. If in their boudoir, use closest garment to hand, his best top or bedspread. His folly for not following this tip.

5 - If it won't go in, use poppers & force it

6 - If it still hurts after a minute or two, stop, repeat tip 5

7 - If you get frosty post-coital, let your sex partner know. This avoids a cock in the mouth/arse when you really just want a towel (see tip 4)

8 - There is no shame in getting dressed after the event. As host this is a signal for the guest 'the party is over'.

9 - NEVER buy condoms. This is the folly of the naffs. Safe sex packs on most gay bar tops will save you an arm & a leg. Wise to fill up on the way home.

10 - Unusual acts/choices of sex partner. Do what thou wilt, but, and here is the important part, DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHAT YOU GET UP TO. You'll have much more fun that way. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!

[Rubbish TV on: Peep Show - Channel 4 ]

One Gay At A Time, Sweet Jesus...

Band Aid 20?? Has it really been that long. Funny how time flies when you're having drugs. Back then being a gay in public was bad, whereas nowadays its just rubbish. To mark how far we have come Living TV is currently treating us to its 'Big Gay Weekend'. We're here, we're queer, we're not going to watch!! Whats this? A dirrty protest? No shit Sherlock.

So there's gay like happy, and there's gay like crappy. The BGW suprisingly is the later. Consisting of a few episodes of Will & Grace/Japs Eye For A Naff Guy, an old Kylie, and Cabaret (for the yawnth time) it's a right pigs ear. The pigs cock though is the live final of Mr Gay UK. Starting at 10pm tonight (never on a Sunday) the masterbation is reaching fever pitch.

Covered in an earlier articles with degrees of discomfort this Fag Pag(gent) is our bette noir. Here we ached over King Fag 2004, and here was an early preview of some of tonights contestants the Mr Gay UK has gone from strength to strewth in the past few years. Previous winners have gone on to appear on TV, in porn, and on your cock for the right fee. What's in store for this years winner? Likely more of the same plus appearances on either Des & Mel or Paul O'Grady. Will probably be O'Grady though as he has a thing for dogs.

As witnessed from one of the advertising pieces above. All hands are obviously to the pumps and not the spell checker. Brian/Brain?? The word 'stupid' comes to mind.

The final insult is the venue, G-A-Y. N-O!! This is pants. We don't approve. DOWN WITH PANTS.

(We have already removed our pants and set the video. We suggest you do the same)

[Rubbish TV on: The Simpsons - SKY 1 - ]

Let's Not Hear It For The Boy

Amerigays. They think they are better than us, they however are not. Having found US show 'Boy Meets Boy', daytimes, Channel 5, we have come to the realization American gay men, are like their naff counterparts, pure rubbish.

For those working during the day, or can't find Ch 5 on the remote, here is the lowdown. Mr A. Gay and his best freind Ms F. Hag are holed up in the desert (away from normal folk), while a number of gays are kept in seclusion, meeting Mr G for dates, dinners and various faggy activities. Our 'G' has to pick who stays & who goes. For the show, the twist is...some of them are not gay?!?!?! Outrageous!! How can they get away with it?? Simple, they are clean cut, non-threatening Amerigays. The contestants all sleep in the same room in bunk beds, we have seen plenty of videos like this. These viewings tell us that this is a potential porno in the making, but no. Not a sniff of cock, a creaky bunk, or a spunky sock anywhere to be seen.

Call us old fashioned, but a key element in compatibility between 2 average homos is sex. Whether it's how big, how often, or even whose top?? These bummer boys make no mention AT ALL of cock & ball fun whatsoever. Perhaps this is why we are down now to just 3 contestants, one of whom IS straight. Shock, horror!! Had there been a little less talk & a lot more cock, the faux fag would have been out on his arse a lot earlier. Only in America can one gay man bring another breakfast in bed, talk about kissing for 20 minutes, and not actually kiss. Had this been in blighty, after 20 mins one would be asleep and the other washing his arse out.

Maybe the selection of contestants was too rigorous, there appears to be no dirty, no flaming and no substance abusing homos. Can this be a true representation of a nations alternative sexuality? For your sakes, I fucking hope not.

PS Dani Behr hosts this mess. We bet she has sucked more cock than all 14 contestants put together, dirty bitch.

[Rubbish TV on: Reach For The Stars - BBC4 ]

RIP Charlene

Ulitimate Kylie? Already reading those two words several queeny types are masterbating furiously. Those that still 'buy' music, fools they be, may well be ordering this item online, but what else would they order? We went to Amazon to find out, and were not very suprised. What follows is the only piece of evidence we needed to find out what the pink e-pound is buying.

[Rubbish TV on: Teachers - Channel 4 ]

In The Event Of Something Happening To me...

Hi I'm Terry, you may remember me from 'The Salon', or maybe my role as Wicket in Ewoks:Battle For Endor. Either way it matters not, what does matter is I am related to the Osbournes. They are famous, I am not, but I will be. Just like Lulu in the 90's, I have jumped on the bandwagon. She mounted Gaz Barlow GB, I shall be riding the coattails of Auntie Sharon (Osbourne). Watch out for me being small hairy fag on The X-Factor, from now until X-mas. Not sure how much screen time I'll have, but rest assured, I shall be trying to do a Dame judi as steal every scene---- shot I'm in.

PS I'm not much good at the old hair dressing thing. For proof see my own sad barnet.

[Rubbish music on: Annies Song - John Denver ]

Calm Down Queer...

Not for the first time we had the misfortune to be on the other side of the room from the remote control. Therefore were rooted to the seat by a horror called 'The Jules & Lulu Show', not THE Lulu just a Lulu. This ones a brown dog, the other a ginger one. The 'Jules' is the worst of the UK 'fab *gag* five. Hes small hes gay, and we suspect does anything for money. Looking every inch like a student project, this queer quiz is hidden away late night on ITV1. Take the lowest of production values a love of the star-wipes/'amusing' inserts, combine with a bin truck painted pink and two hapless straight couples, and the overall R-Factor is through the roof. Absolutely diabolical.

PS The pink dumper has 'Tragic' in a big label on the back. How true.

[Rubbish TV on : Murder She Wrote - BBC1 ]

Jewel Of The Vile

It was last Cazzo's Sex Skins that had us anally fixated, but after missing an article about anal bleaching on Channel 5, our curiosity has been poked. We didn't see the the rim whitening process, but it got us thinking 'ouch' in a bad way, should you really have to suffer for your fart?? Are there any other ways to enhance your box of delights?? Indeed there are, pay attention all you would be pipe-cleaners and potential chimney sweeps. Rubbish Gays probes, briefly, ways to make your brown eye blue (the gay way), or low tech methods to dress your ring. Apart from the obvious, clean (no excuse, moist wipes for added freshness) & shaved (five mins tops, if you want that rim you'd better work), what else? What's that Minogue?? Danni who?? You begin to what??



Wonder no more, this range of anal jewelry will help your mutton look more like lamb, or give a dim ring a bling-bling vim. Made of 100% solid metal & the finest cut pieces of Nuggetique, with matching cufflinks this classy yet understated bum bling will make you the bell-end of every mans ball. When you wished upon a star, did you ever believe a jewel in your crown could ever turn so many purple heads, or catch so many jap's eyes?? Order today and say Good Night Black Hole, Good Morning Starshine!! (Click here to see above item as worn by A. Sad Model)

[Rubbish TV on: Emmerdale - ITV1 ]

Jail Bait

Chances are if you're a rubbish gay, you're single. Dating hasn't worked (never does), Gaydar is a constant letdown (like a true best friend), what else is out there? Lucky for you we have been sniffing about and have been drawn like a fly to shit to Horny Prison Pals. Horny, I guess they feel horny but certainly don't look it. These adverts are swiped wholesale, ie we have not been tampering.



Who doesn't love an ass to pound? Here's one!! Good job this crim is passive 'cos his rap sheet shows murder, backs to the walls boys!!



His ad is not that horny, so we have saved you the bother. Poor fucker though, burglary and in the clink for the next 8 years. Most likely turd burglary. Most thoughtfully though he has enclosed a drawing/tracing of his cock.



If you're interested, please send me an e-mail. We will forward it, and make plans to buy a hat.

[Rubbish TV on: CSI - Channel 5 ]

The Age Of A Queery Arse

Sometimes we feel like throwing our legs hands up in the air. We don't we just internalise the hate, let it fester, save it for an inappropriate time. Other times we just gasp for breath whilst clutching our pearls in best Norma Desmond fashion. The pearl clutching was our only option on seeing our rubbish gay favorite Ricardo in a TV commercial for some kind of hair product. The very poor Ricardo forum which seems to consist of 2 members, advises the 'product' is Tresemme, maybe hes born with it? The Ricardo Forum is even more rubbish than its idol. The administrator seems to be obsessed with Cindy Jackon, the barbie girl. Already alarm bell-ends are ringing here.

Anyhoo, well done Ricardo, thou your forum is a pile of shampoo.

[Rubbish TV on: Newsnight - BBC2 ]

Balonie Omiepalone

F.Y.(Jap's) I. this article was written two months ago, the moment we thought had past but at 00:00 tonight in BBC2 is the programme which inspired us to blah in the first place



In between watching Big Brother, thinking about wanking, and downloading Harry Potter we have had a quiet week. Two nights ago, in a weakend state BBC Four was on, (where the fuck is the remote, I'm not gettin up) and guess what? They have gone gay too, well for one night only. A Prick Up Your Ears, a thing about Round The Horn (ask an older gay), but most amusingly was the short documentry about the lost language of the cranes gays, Polari. We like Lord Reith and Jonny Ball, feel we have a duty to inform, educate & entertain. With that lofty ideal in mind and dictaphone in hand, we separate the wheat from the chaff and the camp (from K.A.M.P Know As Male Prostitute) from the naff ( Not Available For Fucking), can we talk?

In the Sixties being gay wasn't just rubbish but against the law. No bumming sounds like a laughing matter now, but for gays gone by, in times ass, it was no joke! Now if we know anything about gay men, is that they love to talk. How though to ensure maximum gossip without loose lips sinking ships?? Speak in tongues? Too Holy. Speak in code? Bingo!! Replace one word with another, bilmey!! Polari was born.

So now if on national handbag day, dewey omipolone's are having a buvare at a bungery cackling varda the bona chicken's basket, omie & palone will be nanti nishta.

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek:Voyager - SKY One ]

Triga Misfires

Dear Triga,

Just looking at the small advert above sent us in a spin until your new title 'Hooligans' arrived (plain packaging ta). However about 30 minutes in we were already reaching for the DVD remote. Lads wankin in trackies tryin to hold a can & a cig in the same hand, is not that horny, we failed to top the semi we got in the first 5 minutes. Wanking maybe normal hooligan behaviour, but it's not our bag.

Cheers

Rubbish Gays

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 ]

Lazy fag

Rubbish Gays you have been charged with being rubbish. This charge alone is enough to send you down to Larkhall for a spell. However this rubbishness seems to have interfered with your work. The case against you rest mainly on your bone(on) Idle ways resulting in your shabby webshite not being updated for four weeks. How do you plead?

Innocent

Very well, 1st witness A. Reader



Um with todays date being the 2nd of September, we have no defence.

The prosecution rests.

In our defence we were getting a bit samey and needed a break. 3 articles in a row about Big Brother certainly implies one trick pony, and a bit Daily Star.

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 ]

Cheeky Gays

I like cute butts and I cannot lie, yes rubbish gays is so square it's gone hip (hop), Sir Wanks-a-Lot is in the (shite) house!! Word me homo, big (7 1/2 uncut & thick) up ya!! Being a gay, the arse, either yours, or other gents is of primary importance, 2nd only after cock size. Like a naff builder might perv on some passing dolly bints tits, a gays eye can be often drawn to to a passing male arse. Having reported before on packet size vs. actual size, we discovered then there are various ways and means to to judge packet size though clothes. Not all of them work, in fact sometimes they never work. Our conclusion was hands-on testing is the best measure, used in conjunction with a ruler if bold. However arses are different, rubbish/no arse don't really register for us, an unconscious dismissal, but when say a scally on a mountain bike passes or Matt Baker from Blue Peter bends over, a internal porn voice says 'nice arse mate'. A good arse these days is hard to find, a universal truth, or is it?


Look at these aborhrations!! Yes padded pants!! Only in America? No way, with the magic of online retailing from Stateside to Backside is only a click away. In a perverted kind of 'Through The Keyhole' maybe 'I'm an arsehole'? 'Who would live in pants like these?'. Instead of looking at the evidence, again look above to the trunk with a false bottom. Only through the magic of substance/alchol abuse could a boney arsed fag expect to get a shag back without them noticing at some point that bubble-butt is now Boney M, talk about Brown Girl In The Ring.

Would you wear these? Does it feel so real during frottage? What other colours do they come in? So many questions. The short answer is we don't know, and that's the danger. Gays everywhere the price of freebum is eternal vigilance!! As with fresh fruit you must always feel the produce before bagging up. If you suspect a strap-on bump-bump-a-bump-bump, whilst heavy petting put either hand down trouser/jeans/trackies backs, give it a squeeze. It will be a treat for him, and a qualifier for you. Do this while still in neutral territory, if only discovered too late recite to self 'any holes a goal', and take revenge by say cummin in his eye or wiping knob on curtain after.

[Rubbish TV on: Extreme Archaeology - Channel 4 ]

The Gay Before You Came

Manchester is full of camp cows. For reasons still unknown to both local gays and naffs alike, Manchester has developed a herd of fake looking cows. Dressed up to the nines, all fur coat and no knickers, in the Village they wouldn't bat an eye. Surely queens MUST be involved somewhere? Oh here we go, the Palace Theatres entry, tacky, yet stylish meet Mama Mooa. A bovine bender if ever there was. We of course are aware cows are female, so a gay cow would be in fact a lesbian. Normally rug munchers get little attention on these pages, so lap it up ladiez, it's a long time till the next KD Lang album.

[Rubbish TV on: Cash In The Attic - BBC1 ]

Tonight Is The Night, When 2 Scotch Men Bum

Rubbish Gays rises before midday shock!! Shocked is not the word, more like startled. Trisha on repeats, no Duke on Bargain Hunt, and where the fuck is Spunk in my Attic?? What in the name of Jebus is 'Car Booty'?? BBC you're turning all ITV. Steady!! Thank fuck then for Loose Women. For those that work it's like a ladies version of Question Time, except the audiences only role is to hoot every time a slightly risque/saucy comment is made. Traditionally the panel consists of a smug Scottish bint, one who moans all the time, Kerry Atomic Jungle Katona-Fadden and her hooters provide the thick plucky support. Oh and Maureen that used to be on Coronation Street, pretending to be posh. Ok scene set, enter our very own loose women homosexuals. The always animated, sometimes crying on a beach, Colin & Justin. They talked about love, (of each other), property developing & the importance of arranging fruit in threes. It's difficult to tell with this pair who's bott & who's top. Take a look at the picture above. Seems obvious, except the moment Justin walks/talks/moves, its 'Hello Dolly'. Anyhoo they got a new show, 'The 20 quickest ways to make money on your property', hmm sounds boring already. Rubbish Towers is council owned, we have not yet become Morgage Gays so this show may offer us very little help, but it will be most likely camp. Isn't that all we are looking for after all?


STOP THE PRESS : Spunk in my attic has just started!! What's this?? Alistair Apps with trainers on?? Trackie tentin' time!!!

[Rubbish TV on: Cash In The Attic - BBC 1l ]

One From The Anals

The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

sad_gay.com_wanker>> hi there
sad_gay.com_wanker>> what r u lookin 4?
>> hello there sad_gay.com_wanker
>> hang on, I need to look at your profile
sad_gay.com_wanker>> ok
>> no picture, thats a bad start
sad_gay.com_wanker>> sorry sir
sad_gay.com_wanker>> i have to be careful
>> are you not gay?
sad_gay.com_wanker>> i am gay
>> you dont sound it
>> do you know who H & Claire are?
sad_gay.com_wanker>> :) no :))
sad_gay.com_wanker>> steps
>> then maybe I am not the boy for you
sad_gay.com_wanker>>> u r
sad_gay.com_wanker>>> what r u lookin 4?
>> rubbish things
sad_gay.com_wanker>> like...?
>> and drugs
sad_gay.com_wanker>> cant help u there sorry sir
>> whats the 'sir' thing about?
sad_gay.com_wanker>> im active but i luv to be dominated
>> oh god what a bore
sad_gay.com_wanker>> oh well i tried
sad_gay.com_wanker>> sorry for wasting ur time
>> does it mention anywhere on my profile that Im into that?
>> you're twisting my melon man
sad_gay.com_wanker>> no but i can always hope
>> Hope died in a tragic boat accident
>> she caught her pashmena in the rotors
sad_gay.com_wanker>> :))
>> goodbye sad_gay.com_wanker
sad_gay.com_wanker>> take care
sad_gay.com_wanker>> bye
>> no you hang-up
sad_gay.com_wanker>> why me?
>> I don't like to be rude
>> besides
sad_gay.com_wanker>> u can be as rude as u want to me
>> 'sad_gay.com_wanker has left private chat'
has a sense of finality about it.
sad_gay.com_wanker>> :))
>> I see you like Ground Force
sad_gay.com_wanker>> yep
>> and are a novice bird-watcher
>> a twitcher they call them
sad_gay.com_wanker>> i believe so but only a beginner
>> do you have a fat ball?
sad_gay.com_wanker>> ?
>> its made of fat & seeds, put them in the garden
>> bluetits love them
sad_gay.com_wanker>> oic not now
sad_gay.com_wanker>> :))
>> (I won't be abusing you now by the way)
sad_gay.com_wanker>> :(
>> but I do hate emoticons
>> you could drive a man to beat you
sad_gay.com_wanker>> sorry
sad_gay.com_wanker>> lol
>>I see you also like Changing Rooms
>>I'm starting to see a pattern
sad_gay.com_wanker>>hope its not leading anywhere
[Mon Jul 28 00:32:47 GMT 2003] Disconnected.

[Rubbish TV on: Big Brother - Channel 4 ]

The Gay After Tommorrow ('s porn)

'Show me a gay man that doesn't wank, and I'll show you stiff sheets' . We have readers, performed this deed both with others and in private. Of course the latter is preferred, but frankly who has the time. Enter porn. Not just any porn for rubbish gays mind!! Scallies, Neds, Chavers, working, dirty handed, reflective jacket & rigga boot wearer lads are fit, it's official. However in the porn department lovers of rough trade have been rather short changed. Having to deal with skinny Eastern European boys, and white socked Bel Ami twink twats for masterbatory purposes for far too long. Give us junkie dole scum trackie wearers, and a quality spunk-up session is assured. Enter Triga, they bring you men/lads from the street/estate/gutter/cottage into YOUR living room/bedroom. Just a brief flick over some of the titles available gives one no mistake about what R18 bang you get for your pink pound. 'Straight Men Fuck', 'Fireman Wankers' or 'Fucking Footballers', Rubbish Gays has a semi-on just reading the titles. Unfortunately we have downloaded
watched 'Trackie Lads', it's shite. However 'Football Orgy Two' hits the back of the net (wank sock), many, many times.
In conclusion, gay porn is changing for the better, and we have never wanked so much since we were 15 & on holiday. Click here to buy you some porn & get me some commision!!
PS If anyone at Triga reads this we would love a preview copy of 'Council Estate Europe', purely for masterbation purposes only.

[Rubbish DVD on: Atlantis:The Lost Empire ]

Snap, Crackle, Poppers!!

Product warning!! It has come to us from several sources that the lids on current poppers bottle are like Dannii Minogue's career, very fragile. Imagine if you will, a homosexual entertainment venue. The WKD is flowing, you've got a glow band, then Cher comes on. Fab!! Get the poppers out!! Ooh sniff *bleargh* Cap back on quick afore the rush cums. Then *break/snap*, the top of the lid comes off in your hand. FUCK!! Too late now, thumb on top, feel the music, hot, sweaty, rubbish. When the pink mist clears you look down. 'What am I going to do now?', lucky for you we have those hints you need.

Top Tips For Popped Off Poppers
- Keep thumb over top at all times
- Don't stop movin'.
- Pass among freinds/strangers. Share the wealth.
- Accept that you will need to get another bottle.
- Get in 'the zone'.
- If desperate, chew a large piece of gum. Push in top of bottle.
- Tell your retailer!!

[Rubbish TV on: Charmed - LIVINGtv ]

American Bandwagon

Now that gay marriages is potentially available to gays/lesbos. A whole new raft of 'pink' services is coming available. Have a look at this though for plain cheek. This shifty baldie is a lawyer who 'specializes' in gay divorces. Funny that since it barely exists. Anyhow, if you did get legally married and you want a divorce, look at his face, could you trust him? Thought not. Serves you right for wanting to exit the most sacred of vows.

[Rubbish TV on: Big Brother - Channel 4 ]

The Picture Of Dorien Gay

There's something about Marco....

[Rubbish TV on: Probably Big Brother - Channel 4/E4 ]

One Fine Gay

The rancidity that is Porn Idol *gag* is back. The final is at the rubbishest gay club in Little Britain, G-A-Why-Oh-Why. Hosted by our very own Brian Dowling. Last years prize was some Clone Zone Vouchers, a part in a porn film, and some poppers, not a clue what this years lucky winner will get. Apart from being fuck up the ass of course.

As can be seen by this tacky .gif, they all bow down Emperor Ming of Mongo. If we EVER saw porn staring any of these hounds it would rape our eyes. Of course if you are one of the Porn Idolists please do write in. We would love to hear from you. Mail to usual address.

[Rubbish music on: Love Comes Again -Tiesto featuring BT]

Smear/Queer Campaign

Hi, I'm Jason from the Big Brother house. I'm not gay. That's me in the first picture bending over for a gay housemate (I'm not gay). There I am in the second, mounted on top of the same housemate. He's gay, but I'm not. Did I say that already? The last picture, just a bit of fun, nothing remotely poofy going on there. Did I mention I'm training to be an air steward? One more thing, I'm not gay.

[Rubbish TV on: Soylet Green - BBC 1 ]

New School Uniform

Yes It's New

...but don't fear it.

[Rubbish TV on: Diary Room Uncut - e4 ]

Tears For Souvenirs

Reality TV's rubbish gay has, only six days in, been performing like (brown) star. Big Brother 5's Marco has been weeping, wailing and quite frankly giving of such high-pitched whining noises that now only dogs can hear him. Marco you faggot, you really have let the side down. Crying after a queeny strop is perfectly acceptable behaviour, but after someone says they didn't like you?? It's beyond gay, and is in fact girly.

Don't want no more, of this crying gay...

[Rubbish TV on: Relic Hunter - Sky One Mix ]

Are You Proud Enough?

Ok so you're a rubbish gay. You know this, your freinds know it, dagnamit even strangers & stray dogs pick up on it. It's not enough is it? Why not get a tattoo?? It can't hurt that much, can it?? Well guess what?? Beauty IS pain. The classic design or 'gay band' ie black all around ones upper arm, is old hat. All the fags of a 'certain age' have them. You want something bold new and exciting. Something that shouts 'I'm gay, and yes...I'm rubbish!!'. A tattoo that will speak so loud even lesbians will hear it. Mr R Gay, you're in luck, we have some inspiration for you. Hot, hot, hot from the internet comes this queer quintet



Please bear in mind these gaytoos will be your mark of Cain. Forever will it proclaim 'i am a ponce'. Eyes will roll, queens will gush and unattached fag-hags will want to mark your dance card. Death brings no relief, cold on the slab the 'tatt' tells the mortician 'Dress me up I'm your dolly'. That's right, even dead, the tatty-pride lets all know that you lived very gay, but more importantly, it was well rubbish.

[Rubbish TV/Music on: Precious Box - George Michael/Big Brother Live - Channel 4 ]

Fucking Thanks A Lot!!

Dear Bt3a,

Thanks for your attention. Unfortunatly you have fucked up our delicate gay-o-sphere, causing Lycos to pull the rug from under our feet, hence many amusing pictures are unabled to be displayed. Only a naff caption, which hardly ever works on it's own. Like a Starship (brown starfish) Trooper (hunter), we are having to perform a bit of flimflam to put the pictures somewhere else, and change links. Suffice to say it's a ball ache we could do without. Rubbish Gays is awaiting arrival of dodgy speed from an equally dodgy source, to perform aforementioned ball ache tasks.

Meet you on the other side.

Rubbish Gays

[Rubbish TV on: Jurassic Park - ITV1 ]

Big Bender

On our knees yet again yesterday. We made our final plea to the Lord God Almighty (remix), "Please let there be a gay in Big Brother". Two Santa Marias, four Like A Prayers later & wearing our tie like Richard Gere, the prayers of Rubbish Gays have been answered. After 2 years of odd faux bisexual girls, there are bummers in the Big Brother house. Not one but two!! Marco, 'the camp one', and XXXX 'the twat in the hat'. Also batting for the other team a dumb lesbo Kitten. Lesbians are the worse type of rubbish gay, we don't understand them, therefore we don't like them.

It is very hard for us to draw any kind of conclusions about either shit stabber, after all, it's still the first few hours. First impressions, however last, and you can judge a book by it's cover. Marco annoyingly camp (bit fit thou) and Dan could be well-hung but who has the time?? An appeal to Gaydar users!! Have you had a meet, horny or otherwise with either of Odd or Bod? Are they really rubbish or are they playing a very clever game (think Boggle)? All mail to usual snatch!!

[Rubbish DVD on: Freaky Friday ]

Am I A Minger

Channel 4's The Games brought the name of Mr Gay UK to a whole new audience. He wasn't allowed to have a real name. tut. We have poked fun at the batchelor boy before, but we conceed he did well, and so far hasn't had to make any dodgy Britsh Porn. Bored now, but what's this? Mr Gay Uk 2004, already?!?



Provincial gay venues, have thrown up a few wild cards already. For wild read vile. Blame it on either the boogie, or the poppers but these three are represting Walsall, Stoke-on-trent & Huddersfield. Maybe these guys are popular on home turf, but at a national level this gay Cruffs has no place for mongrel mutts.

More amusingly a place in the final is available for one lucky punter who sends their picture in the the Mr Gay UK site. Hunky lads, fit scallies, twinky students? Nah ropey fags who can't seriously think they are in with a chance. Can they? Let's look at some photographic evidence.



First up Slimey Fisher, quite conservate but fun, likely enjoys socialising, internet grooming and wearing crap hats. Next it's Peter Kay. Too many cakes Peter, just look at those zits. How you manage to leave the house let alone enter this competion proves you have spunk, or are a bit mental. Dinky-Doo!! Finally here's 'John' (real name), he sits in the garden of a council house unaware that his hair is in fact, shite. John, men never make passes at fags who wear glasses. Oh mention that to Peter too.

You don't have to be good looking to be Mr Gay UK, but lads, it helps.

[Rubbish TV on: Relic Hunter - Sky One Mix ]

Judy's Cheek

While cruising our bookmarks we had a look at urban myths, all the usual guff, firework in a dyke, two nuns in a bath that sort of thing when we came across this bizarre thing. Syncing The Wizard Of Oz to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Heresy!! Blasphemous!! We had never heard the like. In fact we have never heard this 'dark side of the moon', seems it came out in the 70's, but as its not Kate Bush or Disco our ignorance is obvious. Here's the site, blah blah. We were curious, just how would this 'classic' rock elpee affect young Judy.Guitars in Oz?!? The Wizard won't have that!!

To cut a long story short we downloaded a version of this 'cursed tape', didn't get past the first few minutes. Then we realised something, this is either attempt to straighten Judy up, or sneak her gingham through a straight mans backdoor. We don't approve. We don't do guitars.

However 'Oz' like most 'great' musicals it is far too long. Mary Poppins should end when they come back out of the pavement. Sound Of Music, needs reediting without the fuckin Baroness. With that back-combed bitch out of the way Maria's problem could be solved far earlier. Annie needs only be half hour long, it loses it when the turban man turns up. 'Ooh I'm a bit magic me 'cos I'm a mysterious person of colour with rolling eyes'. My Fair Lady, that needs a good portion chopping, mostly the bits with Wilfred Hyde-White and Hello Dolly?? Like 'Hello is this film STILL on?!.' We can never get past the bit in the dress shop, only seen the ''Hello Dolly' number' in Hooray-for-Hollywood clip type shows, like 'That's Wanking' with Fred Astaire or 'When The Lion Rims-The MGM Story', could be either.

In light of this we present Rubbish Gays Top Three Musicals of ALL Time

   Hairspray
   Dirty Dancing
   Moulin Rouge

Don't agree? Like we give a fuck.

[Rubbish music on:Love Comes Again - Tiesto feat. BT ]

A Whiter (Oranger) Shade Of Dale



What's worse than being a Rubbish Gay? Why looking like one of course. These sad lookie-likies make their living by being Dale Winton. Already tarred with a dirty brush, poor Dale can't help being himself. However this unholy trinity chooses to be Winton. We have no idea who would want to rent a Dale-a-like. If you do, please drop to your knees now and say 7 Cyndi Laupers. Hey now, hey now....

[Rubbish TV on: Emmerdale - ITV 1 ]