Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Con Te Partiro (Time to Say You're Gay)

What time is it?? Why it's cock-o-clock!! A great gift for an antique gay or a blind person. Be gay every second of the day with this wank watch. Hourly chime alternates between 'I'm Coming Out' & 'Male Stripper'.

[Rubbish TV on: Cutting It - Channel 4l ]

Friday, April 23, 2004

Searchin'....Looking for Porn!!

Yes we are!!

If the idle hand isn't on the keyboard its likely to be on the penis of most male users. Inspiration is sought from various places, but what happens if you want something a bit different? Do a 'Search'. That's right we have been checking our fag stats and found some of you, like U2 didn't find what you were looking for.

Without further ado I present (only amusing) Top Search Keywords:-

-steven you ginger knob (Poor Steven. A pair of Clippers for you then love)

-cock scaffolder (Um, summit about erections or curry?)

-mr gay uk looks like lee blue (Why yes he does!! There's your validation)

-gay lads dressed as footballers (It's call footie kit try )

-men with little pricks and boners (Man hater or bad comedown??)

-whats andy bell doing from erasure (Still promoting the 'Best of Erasure', not very well judging by this question)

-Fuck Conservatism (Make it take it like a bitch!! Dinky doo!!)

-coronation street todd cock cum ass (Whippit up his gunnell!!)

-have a wank shorts
(Like 'fuck-me-shoes', but for men)

Having once listened to Blink 182, we now pay attention to...all the..small things. With that in mind and via a crooked path I bring you:-

-chicken-in-a-basket sex (see below)

This was a new one. What on earth could chicken-in-a-basket sex be? It all sounded a bit Pink Flamingos to us. We had a fag and did our own search. After exhausting seconds, hot from the crucible came...nothing. Chicken-in-a-basket sex is a myth, doesn't exist, like Ramsbottom. What we did find was much more entertaining. An online Dictionary of Gay Terms
because sometimes the words get in the way:-

Chicken-with-a-Basket: Teenager who fills out his jockey shorts, a boy with a big cock.

Rubbish Gays has booked taxi for town!! Jockey baskets here we come!!

[Rubbish TV on: Hollyoaks - Channel 4 ]

Thursday, April 22, 2004

While You Were Sleeping....

We have been absent of late. Like a bent Rapunzel stuck high in Rubbish Towers, "Rapoofterzel, Rapoofterzel, let down your golden shower!!". Vile? We agree. Only one thing more 'off-colour' is Brown. We don't do brown, so you can imagine our delight when we came across this baby.

"This town needs an enema!!" never a truer words spoken Mr Nicholson, even if it has to be done one hot bott at a time. Agreed a small amount of poo is a hazard of the (bumming) job, but a quick 5 minutes with 'Tidy Butt' means you can say farewell Mr Brown Star!! Confident? Yes! Clean? Yes! Ready for love? Am I ever!!

Seriously gays, anal cleanliness is not to be sniffed at!!

[Rubbish TV on: X-Files - Sky One Mix ]

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Available in All the Colours of the Speculum ...Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learned to Love the Flag

The rainbow flag, it's big, not clever therefore obviously an American invention. If the fag flag were invented here the memory and horror of the kids TV show 'Rainbow' would have put a full stop to that!! On a Rainbow note, Zippy, George, etc have been doing the pissed up student venues ie Popspastic. Stand clear, 'Rainbow' and its shoddy merchandise should be avoided at all costs. Which brings us back to the rainbow flag. Invented some time ago by A Gay & I M Juan Too (with the aid of the mice on the mouse-organ while Bagpuss slept), todays flag can be found in most Clone Zone's, rough or local gay pubs and on wall of single queens rented room.

Between the last paragraph and this we got curious to know our roots, so we did some snooping. The flag was invented by a man (yay men!), whose name is amusingly Gillbert, see him here!! Seems a printing problem in its early stages means we were deprived a treat of a flag with a 'hot pink' stripe/length.

To the issue in hand. When the Freedom Flag remains in its place, up a pole, up a Czech, etc it is garishly annoying, gay but not rubbish. However, gay shopkeepers are always on the look out for new 'homo-winning lines', as poppers, jizz mags, & cock rings are clearly just loss-leaders. This is where it all goes wrong. The flag, unlike the Spice Girls, has no copyright and as such appears appears on some shit. Buyer beware!!

A housecoat by any other name...Dressing gowns CAN be cool
Gay leather has never been so unappealingYou'll look a right gay in this leather!!
The (brown) Stars & StripsBe American, proud AND rubbish at the same time
Where is the rainbow tabard??Perfect for Martika's (Navratilova's) kitchen, baby
Talk about 'wipe your feet'Rug burns!! lets burn this horror
Tickled fancyYou don't have to be a gay cunt to wear this, but it helps

All that glitters is not gold, and all that shit stuff has not been sold. Find it, and more jizz junk here perfect gifts for the blind & gay dads.

Mighty Rainbow flag, Rubbish Gays salute you!! May you flutter in all your beauty, like a butterfly sat on a gay friendly flower. May you be only washed once a year, prior to Annual Pride Event. Flag, like smelly cat, we know, it's not your fault *sniff*.

PS The flag is still not as shite as the little fish symbol Christians stick everywhere.

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV 1 ]

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

The Angela Rippon Of Pop

   Often mentioned in these pages as a source of scorn and derision, Hazell Dean may seem like a dark mystery for those born after 1982, straights, and johnny foreigners. So for those readers and regular rubbish collectors alike, 'Call her Miss Dean'.

   1983 United Kingdom. Pete Waterman, soon after inventing steam locomotion & pop music 'invents' Hazell Dean. Gays of a legal age (then 21 how queer), and lesbians of any age felt a change in the air. She was the 1st true Stock/Aitken/Waterman product, and 'Searchin' her dykey debut, is still a jewel in the SAW crown.

   Never with a man on her arm, the young Hazell fought many rumours about her sexuality, but like everyone else in the 80's bar Tony Hadley she did turn out to be 'one of us' after all. Her chart career was brief, but her impact on the gay provincial pub jukebox has been astonishing. Even as her debut hits 'Searchin' & 'Whatever I do' reach the age of consent, there will be some small dancefloor in Britain that will always be...Forever Hazell.

It was this E-mail from A. Fag that prompted this Hazerection:-

   We are always so careful with our spelling, curse our cockyness!! On the PS Gay Marvin's picture has been circulated amongst the resistance, if spotted he is to be captured and hidden along with the British airmen, until either the war is over or until his eyebrows grow normally.

   Finally. Remember back in September with introduced you to the most Rubbish Gay item EVER, the Freddie Mercury Collector Plate? Well, be prepared. The new official Rubbishiest Gay item is an album by Miss Dean. Without further ado I present a TNT fueled disc. Hazell's ABBA album. Makes getting to know a lesbian look very inviting. The hi-energy version of Nivarna's Nevermind?? It just well could be. We have no idea. Haven't heard it as suprisingly Kazaa & Winmx indicate no-one has it.

Knowing Me, Knowing Navratilova

   Hazell, you're a lady. Let's keep it that way.

[Rubbish TV on: Stargate - Sky One ]

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I love myself, I want you to love me...I lost my arse to an old producer...

Thanks to a tip off by Rubbish Informant 'Shitbag Smith', I now present the crappest gay pop wannabe (ever), 'Gay Marvin'. What his story? Who is he? One thing he's not is Marie from Roxette, although he is trying VERY hard, he so does not have 'the look'. He's a member of a new pop fucked group called Hussey. The other members are girls, and as girls are rubbish we don't show them.

So what's Gay Marvin's story?? According to his Husseyography, he has a BTEC, and was a Bluecoat. According to the picture, he dresses in his sisters clothes and has as much sex appeal as the Cheeky Girls.

His fantastic looks combined with a sassy attitude and great dance moves wowed the management company. Fantastic?? Sassy?? Wowed?? Management??

His sexy charms are sure to appeal to a whole new Hussey audience. Old gays, confused bisexuals, single mums who want to turn him.

Spotlight on Gay Marie from Roxette throws up more unappealing gay naffness.


Burgers. I love a bit of meat!
Are you saying you're passive?


Depends on my mood.
Thongs & sarongs are so wrong, and maybe this implies small penis?


I like a smoothie. Iím not into Bears.
Don't dis the bears. True there is always a bear in the way, but bears like Hazel Dean so this could loose Hussey the famous Pink Pound.

In conclusion, never has so little been done for so few, and I bet he's never tried anal.

[Rubbish TV on: Relic Hunter - Sky One ]

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Nothing Has Been Proved

We are proud to say this site is brought to you by full support of our long-time friend St Holly Johnson of Scouceland, and our brand new one Dusty O. As you know we recently featured Miss O's body of work and stood in both wonder and horror. luckily for our lawyers at Rubbish Towers Miss O likes us, as much as we like drag queens.

As if to drive home the point that a girls got to do, and rubbish will always be so. I present a flyer, as usual this will be know as exhibit gAy. Cheap booze, Dusty t-shirts, garish colours and shoddy type set!! A real winner!!

'...but wine is all I have, will your love ever be mine?'

Miss Dusty Bin, long may you rule with shitty stick and taint all those who cum before you!!

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek : Enterprise - Sky One ]

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