Any Hole's A Goal



Stolen from Heat magazine, thanks Mark Frith (wannagay). Look its bumming!! The Footballer and the Rentboy, our favorite film. Always nice to see, but according to the article above you won't. Call us cynical but did they think backdoor action was ever going to be shown on ITV? Titilation? Bring it on!!



Meanwhile the proper Coronation Street Gay Kiss is nearly upon us. Don't they look fit. All I ask is a late night special Hollyoaks style for a bit of back door action.

[Rubbish TV on: Footballers Wive$ - ITV 1 ]

There's Something About Conservatism



"Hi, at first glance you will see I'm a skinhead. Look again, I am wearing a suit. I'm a gay, and I'm a Tory. What the fuck?? I know, it's wrong and I can't help myself. Do me a favour, if you see me out crusing, drinking, dancing like a cunt, please ignore me. Just as I will ignore you if me and my party ever get into power again."

[Rubbish TV on: Relic Hunter - Sky One ]

Wonder Words

---

Dear Last Nights Trade,

���you deranged psycho drug fucked nutcase, my nipples are so fucking sore. If I see you again I am kicking your ass!!

Stevo

---

[Rubbish music on: Love Me For Little While - Janet Jackson ]

Seventh Chevron Spunked And Encoded



The most rubbish of gays cannot fail to be hooked on sci-fi. Rubbish Gays was hooked on the Next Generation and Babylon 5. One that we tried to avoid was Stargate:SG 1. However we have becone satelite bitches and dispensed with five channel hell. Apart from the brilliant Relic Hunter, we have got right into Stargate. The team is a bit like the Village People, except they all wear the same uniform, and don't sing, an um don't appear to be fags. Anyway there is a trio of hot spunks to suit all ages. See them pictured above. We have a twink-ish with a great jaw, Johnas Quinn, we think hes versitile. Next up is the veteran, Jack O'Neil, he's older,rugged, definatly active, bet he knows all the tricks. Finally Daniel Jackson, fit, intellegent, floppy hair, undoubtably passive. The internet being as foul as it is has given life to gay sex with tv characters. Here is an example of some Stargaterotica:-

Daniel struggled frantically against the restraint, bucking up against the man squatting on his legs, and pinning him to the floor. The abused fabric of his shirt finally yielded to the determined assault; the noisy, organic sound of rending material mingling with Jack's low, evil grunt of satisfaction. He yanked the sundered remnants halfway down Daniel's arms but didn't entirely remove them. While what was left of the shirt no longer proved to be an impediment to his further intentions it definitely restricted Daniel's efforts to resist them.

I would like some Johnas 3-way action, but as he's a new character I will wait.

[Rubbish TV on: The Simpsons - BBC 2 ]

An Open Letter to Cruz 101, Manchester



You may substitute the name for one of your own local cock-spots.

---

Dear Sir's,

???I have just had a great night in your venue but just a few things have been getting on my nerves.

???How the fuck are you supposed to speak to the DJ when the DJ box is behind the bar. I quite clearly asked for Betty Boo several times, I don't want to have to rely on bar staff to be my go between.

???Carpets, lads they stink, lets be honest they need ripping up & burning.

???Toilets. It wouldn't fucking kill you to put a new (working) lock on each cubicle would it? Toilet seats?? Where the fuck are they?? I went in the women's toilet and some poor fag hag had put layers of toilet paper round and around x 10, by the time I got there the toilet tissue was all damp. It all looked like some kind of dirty wilted lily. I mean how much does a toilet seat cost for christ sake, we are no peasants.. As for the downstairs loos, well, the gents has one cubicle blocked permanently, and the ladies have light fittings coming out of the wall.


???The dancefloor downstairs is warped. Several times I put it down to drugs, but no it's up & down. Get someone in to look at it.

???Really it's just general good housekeeping. Stop cutting corners and sort it out.

???It's a fucking disgrace.

???I thank you

Stevo

PS See you next Monday!!!

[Rubbish music on: Love Me For A Little While - Janet Jackson ]

Dr Who ('s cock is this?)



ATTENTION EARTHLINGS: A gaylien invasion has begun. The man who wrote the telling line "I'm doing it, I'm really doing it" and many others in Queer As Folk, is writing Dr Who. Don't hold your breath though 'cos Bob & Margaret was shite.
Everyone knows that Tom Baker was the best Doctor yet he's not exactly fit. Enter the new Dr Christopher Eccleston, gentlemen start your engines!!! He's a Salford lad, he's tall, and has a big nose IE we think he has a big cock. Lets play master and servant!!

[Rubbish TV on: The Simpsons - Sky One ]

Two Wank Fuck, Wanks With Everything



Where do we start with this abortion bucket of a film?? How on earth this donkey piss-flap of a film can EVER be compared to the classic Pricilla : Queen of the desert?? For a start Patrick Swayze is a loooong way from Dirty Dancing his way back in to movies based on this performance. Piss poor, Terance Stamp shits all over you Swayze from a great height. Kneel before Zod!!

Wesley Snipes, oh dear, the most unconvincing drag queen I've seen since Christine Hamilton. As for the other one, who cares??

Why are these drag queens in drag all the time? After 2 years on the 0898 TV line, I know this is not drag but in fact transvestism. Talk about Hollywood dumbing down. It seems OK for them to be drag queens but not gay men. Talk about 'In & Out' (but not in a good way).

If you are a gay and enjoyed this film please let me know, click here, explain yourself.

[Rubbish TV on: To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything - Sky One ]

Hot Off The Press

Having just witnessed an advert for new Domestos 'Pink Power'. We did a Google. Hot news in from the Grocer Today!! Drag queens have never had so much work.

[Rubbish TV on: Liquid News - BBC Three ]

Careless Whisper

[Rubbish TV on: Footballers Wive$ - ITV 1 ]

Like No Other



The album of the year is here!! Yes we harnessed the power of the internet to do our first online purchase. It arrived today!! Dear George you do look a bit like David Brent in your new video, but you are still one of us and are still making good music. Talk about bow down mister!! Absolutely flawless, fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone. George you are THE fantastic gay

However we notice this is a couch album. The last time we did a couch album we took a sip from the devils cup (just a sip). Observe how the 90's were a very different time if not a different corner.

[Rubbish music on: Precious Box - George Michael ]

You Broke My Heart In 17 Places



As the world knows Chris Lowe is the best looking scally rent boy trade that has ever stood behind a keyboard. Brilliant new video for Flamboyant has just cum through our box, but hold on, whats this?? Chris has grown his hair??? Argh. No way, can't maintain hard-on, going limp, man down!!!!!

[Rubbish music on: Annie Lennox - Walking on broken glass ]

I Closed My Eyes (I Closed My Eyes), Drew Back The Foreskin...arrr ah


Honeytom has done me a favour. Look at these pictures above you, blot out the face first, it helps. OK mmmm not bad. Now remove thumb. Urgh!! Yes its 'H' from Steps appearing in 'a twit and his technicoloured cunt'. See now this is a lesson for all wanna be gym queens, you can so have the perfect body, but if the face is that of Fu-Manchu's Poop Chute it's not going to make one bit of difference.

Ian 'H' Watkins you stand accused of being a Rubbish Gay of the highest order. How do you plea??

H: Innocent

Damned lies. You had a crap haircut for years and it just got drapper. In your time with Rebel Faction known as S.T.E.P.S. you made nervous queens sniff too much poppers on provincial dancefloors up and down the country. Your outfits were poor consisting mainly of shiny top & shorts set. You are useless at singing, that Claire is well rid of you. She's one hag who doesn't need a fag. Now you attempt to follow in the footsteps of Jason Donavan (or J.Do), Phillip Schofield & Donny Osmond. 'I Look handsome I look smart I look like a total twat'.

H:All true I change my plee..

Too late!! Off with his head. Take him down!!

Postscript: With a bag on his head we would do him, but still be concerned about colour of pubic hair.

[Rubbish TV on: The Wicker Man - Channel 4 ]

Texting On The Dancefloor

A disturbing new trend has come to Rubbish Gays attention. Whilst undercover in one of Manchester's finest fag discos, we observed on several occasions rubbish gays in the middle of the dancefloor 'texting'. What?? Surely todays dance drugs aren't that weak, are they?? Even worse, one of our associates was texting a freind in the same (empty) club to find out where they were. In short like Celine, think twice, do you really need to text your fag hag? If you do, please move to dark corner as when gays are in 'the zone' this can really twist their melons.

Textacy aside, girl DJ's are crap. This one didn't even have the Boogie Pimps.

[Rubbish TV on: Veritas : The Quest - Sci-fi Channel ]

Wannagays



When is a gay not a gay? In this new digital age of the image & the icon it can be difficult to tell. Walk down any high street in Britain and you'll see many of these 'look gay but aren't'. If rubbish gays were younger we would fear this rise of the homo-copyus, but as we get older we have learned to look and leer. That's right straight lads, we ARE perving on you!!

The most prominent of these are Ant & Dec. Seeing Ant dressed as Kylie in the advert for the new Saturday Night Takeaway show stirred something down below in us. With that in mind here are a few snippits from a Smash Hits Interview.

You sound like the perfect couple. If things were different, would you be?

Dec: Would I go out with Ant if he was a girl? No way. He's got a hairy arse! (don't be shy)
Ant: I wouldn't have it if I was a woman would I? (touch my bum)
Dec: Oh aye. (this is life)
Ant: I wouldn't go out with Dec 'cos I know him too well. We know each other inside out, they'd be no.. mystery.


Name your showbiz chums?
Dec: Sean Maguire, Sonia.(fag-hag)
Ant: Andi Peters. (Fag)
Dec: Neil (fag!)and Chris (fit as fuck fag!) from the Pet Shop Boys.
Ant: Robbie Williams.(suspect has been faggy with Mark Owen at least once!) He's really nice.

Draw your own conclusion readers.

PS Other Wannagays include Niles from Fraiser, Chandler from Freinds & David Dickinson.

[Rubbish music on: Amazing (Full Intention Club Mix) - George Michael ]

Murder on the dancefloor



After double dropping, rubbish gays found itself coming up on a certain Legendary dancefloor in Manchester. Gleaming under the neon in best scally white trackies, top & bling. A glorious time was anticipated and expected. Then THE rubbish gay was outflanked by genuine rubbish gays!!
In a scissor movement, they appeared. To the right a skinhead bottom (braces down, denotes status). His movements can best be described as 'imagine Erasure's Andy Bell's as a marionette, then imagine the puppeteer is tripping'. As the smoke bean to pump out from the DJ box from the left came the second wave. Jumpers are not normally club wear but that didn't stop this sad old Father Dowling impersonater & his young bespectacled asian assistant. As the rush came, so did they, flailing their arms and legs around like Helen Keller. In the words of the diva on at the time 'Absolutely not!!'. Rubbish gays ran off to a dark corner until could not see hand in front of face.

In other news, we tried but couldn't be arsed to bring back a scally chicken. He mocked our dancing to 'Rhythm of the night', don't blame us, the 90's were a very different time. Our next batch of dirty cash arrives tomorrow. Just in time for Cruz 101. Pass the poppers....

[Rubbish TV on: Michael Jackson & the boy he paid off - BBC Three ]

Slack Arse

Hello readers, Rubbish Gays has been rather rubbish of late. Like Sophie Ellis Bextor we have been thrust into a mixed up world. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, likely when inspiration strikes during tommorrows Father Dowling Investigates. We have tales to tell, cages to rattle and questions to be answered. First and foremost 'who's cock is this?' a problem on our lips for most of the week.

Meanwhile our box needs ramming click here to force an entry.

[Rubbish TV on: Stargate S G-1 - Sky One ]