Bi Another Gay

Bisexuals!! If you're a real gay normally you will have a marmite reaction to them. Love them, or hate them. We like most sane homos, hate them. Not them individually (well some), but the whole 'bisexual' itself. 'Best of Both Worlds' is a term we only like to hear in reference to the best ST:TNG episodes EVER. Bisexuals are neither fish nor foul, but most likey smell of both.

The closet:This is where they live.

Their Women:They NEVER tell.

Their Men:They want them to never tell, but will regail with stories about muff diving on the missus.

Their Car: A family one. Think of the children.

Their Role Models: Mick Jagger & David Bowie. SEE MAIN PHOTO. They may have bi-bummer crazy once, but they don't talk about it now and both married models, so in fact were always straight, thank you!!

Their Relationship With other Bi/GayMen: Um, relationship?

Their Balls: Unshaven

Their Bush: Unkempt

Their Profiles On Gaydar: Lacking in words and pictures.

Their Childhood : No internal struggle with sexuality.

Their Teenage Years: No Painful 'coming-out' process.

Their TV Viewing: Men & Motors, The Bill & *snigger* football.

Their Secret TV Viewing: An old VHS copy of the rimming scene in Queer As Folk.

We would like to enter into a correspondance with a 'Bi' (men only sorry ladys), in a view to building a bridge, and publishing uninteninally humouros emails. If you are game let us know.

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 - ]

10 Sex Tips For Yestergays & Togays

1 - Poppers are an evil necessary for some of the foul homosexual acts you as a gay will encounter. Remember though,once you pop you can't stop. See earlier expose on shoddy poppers packaging.

2 - Have a wash and make that a proper wash, inside & out. No shame in the douche, better be safe than sorry.

3 - Never accept a pig-in-the-poke. In todays clubs, online 'dating' and advance peek at the goods is always acceptable. Again, peek NOT poke large balls can oft be mistaken for cockage.

4 - Keep a towel close by, if the deed is performed in your gaff. If in their boudoir, use closest garment to hand, his best top or bedspread. His folly for not following this tip.

5 - If it won't go in, use poppers & force it

6 - If it still hurts after a minute or two, stop, repeat tip 5

7 - If you get frosty post-coital, let your sex partner know. This avoids a cock in the mouth/arse when you really just want a towel (see tip 4)

8 - There is no shame in getting dressed after the event. As host this is a signal for the guest 'the party is over'.

9 - NEVER buy condoms. This is the folly of the naffs. Safe sex packs on most gay bar tops will save you an arm & a leg. Wise to fill up on the way home.

10 - Unusual acts/choices of sex partner. Do what thou wilt, but, and here is the important part, DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHAT YOU GET UP TO. You'll have much more fun that way. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!

[Rubbish TV on: Peep Show - Channel 4 ]

One Gay At A Time, Sweet Jesus...

Band Aid 20?? Has it really been that long. Funny how time flies when you're having drugs. Back then being a gay in public was bad, whereas nowadays its just rubbish. To mark how far we have come Living TV is currently treating us to its 'Big Gay Weekend'. We're here, we're queer, we're not going to watch!! Whats this? A dirrty protest? No shit Sherlock.

So there's gay like happy, and there's gay like crappy. The BGW suprisingly is the later. Consisting of a few episodes of Will & Grace/Japs Eye For A Naff Guy, an old Kylie, and Cabaret (for the yawnth time) it's a right pigs ear. The pigs cock though is the live final of Mr Gay UK. Starting at 10pm tonight (never on a Sunday) the masterbation is reaching fever pitch.

Covered in an earlier articles with degrees of discomfort this Fag Pag(gent) is our bette noir. Here we ached over King Fag 2004, and here was an early preview of some of tonights contestants the Mr Gay UK has gone from strength to strewth in the past few years. Previous winners have gone on to appear on TV, in porn, and on your cock for the right fee. What's in store for this years winner? Likely more of the same plus appearances on either Des & Mel or Paul O'Grady. Will probably be O'Grady though as he has a thing for dogs.

As witnessed from one of the advertising pieces above. All hands are obviously to the pumps and not the spell checker. Brian/Brain?? The word 'stupid' comes to mind.

The final insult is the venue, G-A-Y. N-O!! This is pants. We don't approve. DOWN WITH PANTS.

(We have already removed our pants and set the video. We suggest you do the same)

[Rubbish TV on: The Simpsons - SKY 1 - ]

Let's Not Hear It For The Boy

Amerigays. They think they are better than us, they however are not. Having found US show 'Boy Meets Boy', daytimes, Channel 5, we have come to the realization American gay men, are like their naff counterparts, pure rubbish.

For those working during the day, or can't find Ch 5 on the remote, here is the lowdown. Mr A. Gay and his best freind Ms F. Hag are holed up in the desert (away from normal folk), while a number of gays are kept in seclusion, meeting Mr G for dates, dinners and various faggy activities. Our 'G' has to pick who stays & who goes. For the show, the twist is...some of them are not gay?!?!?! Outrageous!! How can they get away with it?? Simple, they are clean cut, non-threatening Amerigays. The contestants all sleep in the same room in bunk beds, we have seen plenty of videos like this. These viewings tell us that this is a potential porno in the making, but no. Not a sniff of cock, a creaky bunk, or a spunky sock anywhere to be seen.

Call us old fashioned, but a key element in compatibility between 2 average homos is sex. Whether it's how big, how often, or even whose top?? These bummer boys make no mention AT ALL of cock & ball fun whatsoever. Perhaps this is why we are down now to just 3 contestants, one of whom IS straight. Shock, horror!! Had there been a little less talk & a lot more cock, the faux fag would have been out on his arse a lot earlier. Only in America can one gay man bring another breakfast in bed, talk about kissing for 20 minutes, and not actually kiss. Had this been in blighty, after 20 mins one would be asleep and the other washing his arse out.

Maybe the selection of contestants was too rigorous, there appears to be no dirty, no flaming and no substance abusing homos. Can this be a true representation of a nations alternative sexuality? For your sakes, I fucking hope not.

PS Dani Behr hosts this mess. We bet she has sucked more cock than all 14 contestants put together, dirty bitch.

[Rubbish TV on: Reach For The Stars - BBC4 ]

RIP Charlene

Ulitimate Kylie? Already reading those two words several queeny types are masterbating furiously. Those that still 'buy' music, fools they be, may well be ordering this item online, but what else would they order? We went to Amazon to find out, and were not very suprised. What follows is the only piece of evidence we needed to find out what the pink e-pound is buying.

[Rubbish TV on: Teachers - Channel 4 ]

In The Event Of Something Happening To me...

Hi I'm Terry, you may remember me from 'The Salon', or maybe my role as Wicket in Ewoks:Battle For Endor. Either way it matters not, what does matter is I am related to the Osbournes. They are famous, I am not, but I will be. Just like Lulu in the 90's, I have jumped on the bandwagon. She mounted Gaz Barlow GB, I shall be riding the coattails of Auntie Sharon (Osbourne). Watch out for me being small hairy fag on The X-Factor, from now until X-mas. Not sure how much screen time I'll have, but rest assured, I shall be trying to do a Dame judi as steal every scene---- shot I'm in.

PS I'm not much good at the old hair dressing thing. For proof see my own sad barnet.

[Rubbish music on: Annies Song - John Denver ]

Calm Down Queer...

Not for the first time we had the misfortune to be on the other side of the room from the remote control. Therefore were rooted to the seat by a horror called 'The Jules & Lulu Show', not THE Lulu just a Lulu. This ones a brown dog, the other a ginger one. The 'Jules' is the worst of the UK 'fab *gag* five. Hes small hes gay, and we suspect does anything for money. Looking every inch like a student project, this queer quiz is hidden away late night on ITV1. Take the lowest of production values a love of the star-wipes/'amusing' inserts, combine with a bin truck painted pink and two hapless straight couples, and the overall R-Factor is through the roof. Absolutely diabolical.

PS The pink dumper has 'Tragic' in a big label on the back. How true.

[Rubbish TV on : Murder She Wrote - BBC1 ]