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Rubbish Gays

Gay is the new black, but rubbish is the new brown.

Monday, May 31, 2004

Are You Proud Enough?

Ok so you're a rubbish gay. You know this, your freinds know it, dagnamit even strangers & stray dogs pick up on it. It's not enough is it? Why not get a tattoo?? It can't hurt that much, can it?? Well guess what?? Beauty IS pain. The classic design or 'gay band' ie black all around ones upper arm, is old hat. All the fags of a 'certain age' have them. You want something bold new and exciting. Something that shouts 'I'm gay, and yes...I'm rubbish!!'. A tattoo that will speak so loud even lesbians will hear it. Mr R Gay, you're in luck, we have some inspiration for you. Hot, hot, hot from the internet comes this queer quintet

Who wants to be a macho man??Ok so maybe I was drunk...Pride cums before a fuck!!It's not a lifestyle choice, I WAS born gay!!

Please bear in mind these gaytoos will be your mark of Cain. Forever will it proclaim 'i am a ponce'. Eyes will roll, queens will gush and unattached fag-hags will want to mark your dance card. Death brings no relief, cold on the slab the 'tatt' tells the mortician 'Dress me up I'm your dolly'. That's right, even dead, the tatty-pride lets all know that you lived very gay, but more importantly, it was well rubbish.

[Rubbish TV/Music on: Precious Box - George Michael/Big Brother Live - Channel 4 ]

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Fucking Thanks A Lot!!

Dear Bt3a,

Thanks for your attention. Unfortunatly you have fucked up our delicate gay-o-sphere, causing Lycos to pull the rug from under our feet, hence many amusing pictures are unabled to be displayed. Only a naff caption, which hardly ever works on it's own. Like a Starship (brown starfish) Trooper (hunter), we are having to perform a bit of flimflam to put the pictures somewhere else, and change links. Suffice to say it's a ball ache we could do without. Rubbish Gays is awaiting arrival of dodgy speed from an equally dodgy source, to perform aforementioned ball ache tasks.

Meet you on the other side.

Rubbish Gays

[Rubbish TV on: Jurassic Park - ITV1 ]

Big Bender

Gaydar Bike?The Lone Bum-ManNo way, no way..manamana!!

On our knees yet again yesterday. We made our final plea to the Lord God Almighty (remix), "Please let there be a gay in Big Brother". Two Santa Marias, four Like A Prayers later & wearing our tie like Richard Gere, the prayers of Rubbish Gays have been answered. After 2 years of odd faux bisexual girls, there are bummers in the Big Brother house. Not one but two!! Marco, 'the camp one', and XXXX 'the twat in the hat'. Also batting for the other team a dumb lesbo Kitten. Lesbians are the worse type of rubbish gay, we don't understand them, therefore we don't like them.

It is very hard for us to draw any kind of conclusions about either shit stabber, after all, it's still the first few hours. First impressions, however last, and you can judge a book by it's cover. Marco annoyingly camp (bit fit thou) and Dan could be well-hung but who has the time?? An appeal to Gaydar users!! Have you had a meet, horny or otherwise with either of Odd or Bod? Are they really rubbish or are they playing a very clever game (think Boggle)? All mail to usual snatch!!

[Rubbish DVD on: Freaky Friday ]

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Am I A Minger

Channel 4's The Games brought the name of Mr Gay UK to a whole new audience. He wasn't allowed to have a real name. tut. We have poked fun at the batchelor boy before, but we conceed he did well, and so far hasn't had to make any dodgy Britsh Porn. Bored now, but what's this? Mr Gay Uk 2004, already?!?

Walsall Woofer!!Potteries Pooch!!Huddersfield Hound

Provincial gay venues, have thrown up a few wild cards already. For wild read vile. Blame it on either the boogie, or the poppers but these three are represting Walsall, Stoke-on-trent & Huddersfield. Maybe these guys are popular on home turf, but at a national level this gay Cruffs has no place for mongrel mutts.

More amusingly a place in the final is available for one lucky punter who sends their picture in the the Mr Gay UK site. Hunky lads, fit scallies, twinky students? Nah ropey fags who can't seriously think they are in with a chance. Can they? Let's look at some photographic evidence.

Take me to the clouds above...Anything you want, you got it...Judy in disguise

First up Slimey Fisher, quite conservate but fun, likely enjoys socialising, internet grooming and wearing crap hats. Next it's Peter Kay. Too many cakes Peter, just look at those zits. How you manage to leave the house let alone enter this competion proves you have spunk, or are a bit mental. Dinky-Doo!! Finally here's 'John' (real name), he sits in the garden of a council house unaware that his hair is in fact, shite. John, men never make passes at fags who wear glasses. Oh mention that to Peter too.

You don't have to be good looking to be Mr Gay UK, but lads, it helps.

[Rubbish TV on: Relic Hunter - Sky One Mix ]

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Judy's Cheek

The cock began to twitch...

While cruising our bookmarks we had a look at urban myths, all the usual guff, firework in a dyke, two nuns in a bath that sort of thing when we came across this bizarre thing. Syncing The Wizard Of Oz to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Heresy!! Blasphemous!! We had never heard the like. In fact we have never heard this 'dark side of the moon', seems it came out in the 70's, but as its not Kate Bush or Disco our ignorance is obvious. Here's the site, blah blah. We were curious, just how would this 'classic' rock elpee affect young Judy.Guitars in Oz?!? The Wizard won't have that!!

To cut a long story short we downloaded a version of this 'cursed tape', didn't get past the first few minutes. Then we realised something, this is either attempt to straighten Judy up, or sneak her gingham through a straight mans backdoor. We don't approve. We don't do guitars.

However 'Oz' like most 'great' musicals it is far too long. Mary Poppins should end when they come back out of the pavement. Sound Of Music, needs reediting without the fuckin Baroness. With that back-combed bitch out of the way Maria's problem could be solved far earlier. Annie needs only be half hour long, it loses it when the turban man turns up. 'Ooh I'm a bit magic me 'cos I'm a mysterious person of colour with rolling eyes'. My Fair Lady, that needs a good portion chopping, mostly the bits with Wilfred Hyde-White and Hello Dolly?? Like 'Hello is this film STILL on?!.' We can never get past the bit in the dress shop, only seen the ''Hello Dolly' number' in Hooray-for-Hollywood clip type shows, like 'That's Wanking' with Fred Astaire or 'When The Lion Rims-The MGM Story', could be either.

In light of this we present Rubbish Gays Top Three Musicals of ALL Time

   Dirty Dancing
   Moulin Rouge

Don't agree? Like we give a fuck.

[Rubbish music on:Love Comes Again - Tiesto feat. BT ]

Thursday, May 06, 2004

A Whiter (Oranger) Shade Of Dale

Miss Brahms are you free?? Dale does David Brent What a gay day!!

What's worse than being a Rubbish Gay? Why looking like one of course. These sad lookie-likies make their living by being Dale Winton. Already tarred with a dirty brush, poor Dale can't help being himself. However this unholy trinity chooses to be Winton. We have no idea who would want to rent a Dale-a-like. If you do, please drop to your knees now and say 7 Cyndi Laupers. Hey now, hey now....

[Rubbish TV on: Emmerdale - ITV 1 ]

Monday, May 03, 2004

Five Go Off Topping

Ming!!Pushing an elephant up the stairsSlimeyToo old for Pop IdolBegin the chin!!

"Here they come, the beautiful ones..." I doubt Suede had this quintet in mind when this song was penned, but UK Living (Sky's default womens/gay channel) are using this theme to trumpet the arrival of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy UK'. Having only seen one advert reminisce of 5ive's glorious 'Lets dance', and some press snippets rubbish gays has very little to draw on for our pre-screening review. Lack of general information, and drawing rash conclusions is our bag, so here we go.

Looks, well they don't look good do they? Maybe the one on the far right is a bit of a looker, but maybe it's just his chin? Judging by their profiles they have a wealth of experience amongst them, for instance one of these has 'choreographed adverts for Colgate', while another has worked with Aleshas Attic. Ah the heady aroma of D-list hangs in the hair, it lies heavy like stale poppers in a Sunday Morning sauna/bath-house. Sadly even though this QEFSG is 'UK' only 2 poofs are Brits, poor show!!

Fags like you and me!!

Will it be crap? Who can say? Will we watch it? Will we ever mention it again? There are too many questions. One short answer is, don't bother, Channel 4 have already come up with a programme that sounded crap but is actually quite good in the form of 'Fairy Godfathers'. In that spirit have a look at the 'fairies' above. Again hounds, but in a cabbage patch way. Aww blesh 'em!!

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek:Voyager - Sky One ]

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Dale Caeser!!!

Polls, poles?!?! After watching Demi Moore in Striptease, we learned that to become a lap dancer, you need a pole & a copy of Annie Lennox's Diva. We have been running the former for far too long now. We too are tired of seeing it. Hoorah, lets kill it!!

Where on earth to start?? We have proved that you don't have to be Steps to be caught in the middle of a chain reaction. Rubbish Towers notoriously lazy, has decided to clean up the sidebar. To that note, the Whats the worst thing about being a gay' poll has officially closed!! The votes are in and displayed below. Dale, with over 50% of the votes you are the worst thing about being gay. Don't blame us, the public can be cruel.

Top or Bott, you decide!!

If the stats on this poll are too much then we have drawn a venn diagram. Really we wanted to do a pie-chart, but you can't always get what you want.

Caught in the middle!!

As we were searchin' for pictures for the All-Dale revue we came across this one. We call it "WHEN GAYS COLLIDE!!"

Falling into you...

Yes its Limahl, doesn't look too shy shy. Please go look at his website thing, his hair has been a flamboyant melody of mangy dog & studio line. Rubbish Gays is also from Wigan, we walked the crooked path to get here though. Meanwhile, Limhal real name, Christopher Hamil, the neverending hair sprayed one took it up the crooked passage and is still waiting to pass a crooked sixpence in his stool. A word Chris. Kajagoogoo were a shite sandwich we of a certain age had a bit of a bite of once. Kids will eat anything. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on poor Chris, but as an ambassador for Wigan Pride Pie Eaters he falls well short. Why lovely shapely Kym Marsh once we are your dark nemesis, keep one eye-to-eye over your shoulder next time you're in Poole's Pies.

[Rubbish TV on: Carry On Up The Jungle - UKTV Gold ]