In The Event Of Something Happening To me...

Hi I'm Terry, you may remember me from 'The Salon', or maybe my role as Wicket in Ewoks:Battle For Endor. Either way it matters not, what does matter is I am related to the Osbournes. They are famous, I am not, but I will be. Just like Lulu in the 90's, I have jumped on the bandwagon. She mounted Gaz Barlow GB, I shall be riding the coattails of Auntie Sharon (Osbourne). Watch out for me being small hairy fag on The X-Factor, from now until X-mas. Not sure how much screen time I'll have, but rest assured, I shall be trying to do a Dame judi as steal every scene---- shot I'm in.

PS I'm not much good at the old hair dressing thing. For proof see my own sad barnet.

[Rubbish music on: Annies Song - John Denver ]

Calm Down Queer...

Not for the first time we had the misfortune to be on the other side of the room from the remote control. Therefore were rooted to the seat by a horror called 'The Jules & Lulu Show', not THE Lulu just a Lulu. This ones a brown dog, the other a ginger one. The 'Jules' is the worst of the UK 'fab *gag* five. Hes small hes gay, and we suspect does anything for money. Looking every inch like a student project, this queer quiz is hidden away late night on ITV1. Take the lowest of production values a love of the star-wipes/'amusing' inserts, combine with a bin truck painted pink and two hapless straight couples, and the overall R-Factor is through the roof. Absolutely diabolical.

PS The pink dumper has 'Tragic' in a big label on the back. How true.

[Rubbish TV on : Murder She Wrote - BBC1 ]

Jewel Of The Vile

It was last Cazzo's Sex Skins that had us anally fixated, but after missing an article about anal bleaching on Channel 5, our curiosity has been poked. We didn't see the the rim whitening process, but it got us thinking 'ouch' in a bad way, should you really have to suffer for your fart?? Are there any other ways to enhance your box of delights?? Indeed there are, pay attention all you would be pipe-cleaners and potential chimney sweeps. Rubbish Gays probes, briefly, ways to make your brown eye blue (the gay way), or low tech methods to dress your ring. Apart from the obvious, clean (no excuse, moist wipes for added freshness) & shaved (five mins tops, if you want that rim you'd better work), what else? What's that Minogue?? Danni who?? You begin to what??



Wonder no more, this range of anal jewelry will help your mutton look more like lamb, or give a dim ring a bling-bling vim. Made of 100% solid metal & the finest cut pieces of Nuggetique, with matching cufflinks this classy yet understated bum bling will make you the bell-end of every mans ball. When you wished upon a star, did you ever believe a jewel in your crown could ever turn so many purple heads, or catch so many jap's eyes?? Order today and say Good Night Black Hole, Good Morning Starshine!! (Click here to see above item as worn by A. Sad Model)

[Rubbish TV on: Emmerdale - ITV1 ]

Jail Bait

Chances are if you're a rubbish gay, you're single. Dating hasn't worked (never does), Gaydar is a constant letdown (like a true best friend), what else is out there? Lucky for you we have been sniffing about and have been drawn like a fly to shit to Horny Prison Pals. Horny, I guess they feel horny but certainly don't look it. These adverts are swiped wholesale, ie we have not been tampering.



Who doesn't love an ass to pound? Here's one!! Good job this crim is passive 'cos his rap sheet shows murder, backs to the walls boys!!



His ad is not that horny, so we have saved you the bother. Poor fucker though, burglary and in the clink for the next 8 years. Most likely turd burglary. Most thoughtfully though he has enclosed a drawing/tracing of his cock.



If you're interested, please send me an e-mail. We will forward it, and make plans to buy a hat.

[Rubbish TV on: CSI - Channel 5 ]

The Age Of A Queery Arse

Sometimes we feel like throwing our legs hands up in the air. We don't we just internalise the hate, let it fester, save it for an inappropriate time. Other times we just gasp for breath whilst clutching our pearls in best Norma Desmond fashion. The pearl clutching was our only option on seeing our rubbish gay favorite Ricardo in a TV commercial for some kind of hair product. The very poor Ricardo forum which seems to consist of 2 members, advises the 'product' is Tresemme, maybe hes born with it? The Ricardo Forum is even more rubbish than its idol. The administrator seems to be obsessed with Cindy Jackon, the barbie girl. Already alarm bell-ends are ringing here.

Anyhoo, well done Ricardo, thou your forum is a pile of shampoo.

[Rubbish TV on: Newsnight - BBC2 ]

Balonie Omiepalone

F.Y.(Jap's) I. this article was written two months ago, the moment we thought had past but at 00:00 tonight in BBC2 is the programme which inspired us to blah in the first place



In between watching Big Brother, thinking about wanking, and downloading Harry Potter we have had a quiet week. Two nights ago, in a weakend state BBC Four was on, (where the fuck is the remote, I'm not gettin up) and guess what? They have gone gay too, well for one night only. A Prick Up Your Ears, a thing about Round The Horn (ask an older gay), but most amusingly was the short documentry about the lost language of the cranes gays, Polari. We like Lord Reith and Jonny Ball, feel we have a duty to inform, educate & entertain. With that lofty ideal in mind and dictaphone in hand, we separate the wheat from the chaff and the camp (from K.A.M.P Know As Male Prostitute) from the naff ( Not Available For Fucking), can we talk?

In the Sixties being gay wasn't just rubbish but against the law. No bumming sounds like a laughing matter now, but for gays gone by, in times ass, it was no joke! Now if we know anything about gay men, is that they love to talk. How though to ensure maximum gossip without loose lips sinking ships?? Speak in tongues? Too Holy. Speak in code? Bingo!! Replace one word with another, bilmey!! Polari was born.

So now if on national handbag day, dewey omipolone's are having a buvare at a bungery cackling varda the bona chicken's basket, omie & palone will be nanti nishta.

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek:Voyager - SKY One ]

Triga Misfires

Dear Triga,

Just looking at the small advert above sent us in a spin until your new title 'Hooligans' arrived (plain packaging ta). However about 30 minutes in we were already reaching for the DVD remote. Lads wankin in trackies tryin to hold a can & a cig in the same hand, is not that horny, we failed to top the semi we got in the first 5 minutes. Wanking maybe normal hooligan behaviour, but it's not our bag.

Cheers

Rubbish Gays

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 ]