The Age Of A Queery Arse

Sometimes we feel like throwing our legs hands up in the air. We don't we just internalise the hate, let it fester, save it for an inappropriate time. Other times we just gasp for breath whilst clutching our pearls in best Norma Desmond fashion. The pearl clutching was our only option on seeing our rubbish gay favorite Ricardo in a TV commercial for some kind of hair product. The very poor Ricardo forum which seems to consist of 2 members, advises the 'product' is Tresemme, maybe hes born with it? The Ricardo Forum is even more rubbish than its idol. The administrator seems to be obsessed with Cindy Jackon, the barbie girl. Already alarm bell-ends are ringing here.

Anyhoo, well done Ricardo, thou your forum is a pile of shampoo.

[Rubbish TV on: Newsnight - BBC2 ]

Balonie Omiepalone

F.Y.(Jap's) I. this article was written two months ago, the moment we thought had past but at 00:00 tonight in BBC2 is the programme which inspired us to blah in the first place



In between watching Big Brother, thinking about wanking, and downloading Harry Potter we have had a quiet week. Two nights ago, in a weakend state BBC Four was on, (where the fuck is the remote, I'm not gettin up) and guess what? They have gone gay too, well for one night only. A Prick Up Your Ears, a thing about Round The Horn (ask an older gay), but most amusingly was the short documentry about the lost language of the cranes gays, Polari. We like Lord Reith and Jonny Ball, feel we have a duty to inform, educate & entertain. With that lofty ideal in mind and dictaphone in hand, we separate the wheat from the chaff and the camp (from K.A.M.P Know As Male Prostitute) from the naff ( Not Available For Fucking), can we talk?

In the Sixties being gay wasn't just rubbish but against the law. No bumming sounds like a laughing matter now, but for gays gone by, in times ass, it was no joke! Now if we know anything about gay men, is that they love to talk. How though to ensure maximum gossip without loose lips sinking ships?? Speak in tongues? Too Holy. Speak in code? Bingo!! Replace one word with another, bilmey!! Polari was born.

So now if on national handbag day, dewey omipolone's are having a buvare at a bungery cackling varda the bona chicken's basket, omie & palone will be nanti nishta.

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek:Voyager - SKY One ]

Triga Misfires

Dear Triga,

Just looking at the small advert above sent us in a spin until your new title 'Hooligans' arrived (plain packaging ta). However about 30 minutes in we were already reaching for the DVD remote. Lads wankin in trackies tryin to hold a can & a cig in the same hand, is not that horny, we failed to top the semi we got in the first 5 minutes. Wanking maybe normal hooligan behaviour, but it's not our bag.

Cheers

Rubbish Gays

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 ]

Lazy fag

Rubbish Gays you have been charged with being rubbish. This charge alone is enough to send you down to Larkhall for a spell. However this rubbishness seems to have interfered with your work. The case against you rest mainly on your bone(on) Idle ways resulting in your shabby webshite not being updated for four weeks. How do you plead?

Innocent

Very well, 1st witness A. Reader



Um with todays date being the 2nd of September, we have no defence.

The prosecution rests.

In our defence we were getting a bit samey and needed a break. 3 articles in a row about Big Brother certainly implies one trick pony, and a bit Daily Star.

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 ]

Cheeky Gays

I like cute butts and I cannot lie, yes rubbish gays is so square it's gone hip (hop), Sir Wanks-a-Lot is in the (shite) house!! Word me homo, big (7 1/2 uncut & thick) up ya!! Being a gay, the arse, either yours, or other gents is of primary importance, 2nd only after cock size. Like a naff builder might perv on some passing dolly bints tits, a gays eye can be often drawn to to a passing male arse. Having reported before on packet size vs. actual size, we discovered then there are various ways and means to to judge packet size though clothes. Not all of them work, in fact sometimes they never work. Our conclusion was hands-on testing is the best measure, used in conjunction with a ruler if bold. However arses are different, rubbish/no arse don't really register for us, an unconscious dismissal, but when say a scally on a mountain bike passes or Matt Baker from Blue Peter bends over, a internal porn voice says 'nice arse mate'. A good arse these days is hard to find, a universal truth, or is it?


Look at these aborhrations!! Yes padded pants!! Only in America? No way, with the magic of online retailing from Stateside to Backside is only a click away. In a perverted kind of 'Through The Keyhole' maybe 'I'm an arsehole'? 'Who would live in pants like these?'. Instead of looking at the evidence, again look above to the trunk with a false bottom. Only through the magic of substance/alchol abuse could a boney arsed fag expect to get a shag back without them noticing at some point that bubble-butt is now Boney M, talk about Brown Girl In The Ring.

Would you wear these? Does it feel so real during frottage? What other colours do they come in? So many questions. The short answer is we don't know, and that's the danger. Gays everywhere the price of freebum is eternal vigilance!! As with fresh fruit you must always feel the produce before bagging up. If you suspect a strap-on bump-bump-a-bump-bump, whilst heavy petting put either hand down trouser/jeans/trackies backs, give it a squeeze. It will be a treat for him, and a qualifier for you. Do this while still in neutral territory, if only discovered too late recite to self 'any holes a goal', and take revenge by say cummin in his eye or wiping knob on curtain after.

[Rubbish TV on: Extreme Archaeology - Channel 4 ]

The Gay Before You Came

Manchester is full of camp cows. For reasons still unknown to both local gays and naffs alike, Manchester has developed a herd of fake looking cows. Dressed up to the nines, all fur coat and no knickers, in the Village they wouldn't bat an eye. Surely queens MUST be involved somewhere? Oh here we go, the Palace Theatres entry, tacky, yet stylish meet Mama Mooa. A bovine bender if ever there was. We of course are aware cows are female, so a gay cow would be in fact a lesbian. Normally rug munchers get little attention on these pages, so lap it up ladiez, it's a long time till the next KD Lang album.

[Rubbish TV on: Cash In The Attic - BBC1 ]

Tonight Is The Night, When 2 Scotch Men Bum

Rubbish Gays rises before midday shock!! Shocked is not the word, more like startled. Trisha on repeats, no Duke on Bargain Hunt, and where the fuck is Spunk in my Attic?? What in the name of Jebus is 'Car Booty'?? BBC you're turning all ITV. Steady!! Thank fuck then for Loose Women. For those that work it's like a ladies version of Question Time, except the audiences only role is to hoot every time a slightly risque/saucy comment is made. Traditionally the panel consists of a smug Scottish bint, one who moans all the time, Kerry Atomic Jungle Katona-Fadden and her hooters provide the thick plucky support. Oh and Maureen that used to be on Coronation Street, pretending to be posh. Ok scene set, enter our very own loose women homosexuals. The always animated, sometimes crying on a beach, Colin & Justin. They talked about love, (of each other), property developing & the importance of arranging fruit in threes. It's difficult to tell with this pair who's bott & who's top. Take a look at the picture above. Seems obvious, except the moment Justin walks/talks/moves, its 'Hello Dolly'. Anyhoo they got a new show, 'The 20 quickest ways to make money on your property', hmm sounds boring already. Rubbish Towers is council owned, we have not yet become Morgage Gays so this show may offer us very little help, but it will be most likely camp. Isn't that all we are looking for after all?


STOP THE PRESS : Spunk in my attic has just started!! What's this?? Alistair Apps with trainers on?? Trackie tentin' time!!!

[Rubbish TV on: Cash In The Attic - BBC 1l ]