[Rubbish music on: Annie - Chewing Gum - ]
Friday, March 18, 2005
Bi Spirits
Lulu, she's as annoying as she is Scottish. Always trying to get in on the act with the gays. Anyhoo, our random quest to rid the world of Lulu drew us to our new favorite TV shows website High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman. Here we can ask the 'other' side questions. Well we asked 'Should we kill Lulu?', and this is what we recieved, Amen!!
Friday, March 11, 2005
Towels Of Endearment
Three weeks ago we were asked to write an 'article' for a new free fag mag. The first issue had already come out. We hate working to a deadline, however the thought of our vile words in print had a masterbatory effect on us. Fast forward to yesterday. The afforementioned rag has been cancelled, the article is now sitting in an abortion bucket somewhere in Leeds. To save you all fishing about, we now present our nearly published piece. You lucky fuckers!!
Hello, you don't know us, but we know you. Call us Rubbish Gay. Readers may not be aware but on the 9th of February 2002, things changed for the UK fag. For it was on this day Will Young won Pop Idol. This crowning of a new queen ushered in a new era for the UKgay. It was finally cool to be gay again. Thank fuck. The lesbian chic movement already old and tired by this point, rolled over and died, and the gays went mainsteam. Churchill once said 'the price of freedom is eternal vigilance'. How true. For every Will Young and Alan Cumming, there is an Andrew from Phixx or a David Furnish. From this spent seed on yesterdays jizz rag, PC access and time on our hands, an idea was born.
Way back in yesterqueer, the day after yestergay, September 2003 Rubbish Gays spunked forth online. Starting more in the 'look at this twat on Gaydar' vein, we soon realised our mission was to hold up a dark mirror to the actual and the media gay. Having tackled such weighty issues as wanking over Brookside, crap gay tattoos and faulty poppers tops, we are glad to finally be seen in print. This fag rag you have in your hands will be our 1st published work. Keep it in your toilet and once read, use to wipe your arse. Shitriture!!
we have been long in the tooth for many a year Rubbish gays has always strived to be be bad so you don't have to be. Since September 2003 we have carved out our own niche online. Our dirty crack can be found at http://rubbishgays.blogspot.com/.
To buisness gents!! The Gay Sauna!! Tradinionally we at Rubbish Gays have always looked down upon the gay sauna, only for old men and perverts, we thought. However something happened on the way to Heaven, blame the drugs, the high gay-youth turn over, or even Kylie, but now everyone is at it. It seems you don't have to be a pervert to visit the bathhouse (but that still helps). Now Mr E Gay is no prude, but we do get nervous in public. Hence our hesitance to visit the bathhouse in the past. That coupled with the inability to say no kept us at an cocks length away for many a moon. What if we are spotted being bummed by a minger? What if.....?
So how after all these years of rejection could we be turned to the dark side, humiliation in a white towel?? Blame Gaydar!! As irritating as the Crazy Frog, any homo on a PC will be drawn like slack jawed yokels by the promise of 'What you want, when you want it'. Normally what we want is light banter, and offers of drugged up sessions. What we get is offers of a cock suck 40 miles away, a drunken bottom or annoying rent boys filling up the java with their slaver.
After an hour in the 'chat room' using the bio-line 'HUNG/VERS 4 SAME WILL TRAVEL 4 CHEMS', we got our third offer, the first two were vile and ignored. 'Come to the sauna, I'll pay you in' hmmmm, like a dirty jigsaw, all the pieces were coming together. So in the name of research, powered by 3 different types of drugs, and armed with our'Get Into Sauna Free' promise, 20 cigarettes and five Britsh pounds we embarked.
Fast forward to us looking uncomfortable in a white towel. Our new Gaydar pal now £18 poorer, but looking much better than his profile, shows us round the sauna. The first thing we see is a fat man in a hot tub, on his own, poppers on the side. Theres a smell, we don't like it. Onward to the lounge. There a motley selection of men, some passed out, some watching Samantha Mumba's Time Machine, others on PCs logged into....Gaydar. So far, no graphic sex requested nor sighted. Damn!! We thought this may happen.
Our guide then takes us through to the actual 'sex' bit. He says there are cabins, themed rooms, widescreen porn and decent music. Well this sounded too good to be true, it was. Lead like a pig on a rope, we followed. There was a room with lots of men wanking, themselves, hmmm. Followed by endless (K not withstanding) succession of tunnels, leading to a couple of slings in the dark. As we stood there, in silence, we realised the slings were occupied, we backed off, Mr E Gay said a prayer. Passing a dark room, we could only see a few white towel blobs moving about. Seems a 'dark room' is just that, but maybe smells more of poppers. For cabin, read shed with wipe-clean matress, porn and a faulty lock. Theme rooms?? What the fuck?? How is scary dentist a theme?
Our tour compleate, Mr E Gay and his trade retired for a bit of cabin fever. Just like the film of the same name, it was poor. It looked good but felt wrong, so wrong. After a brief (no more than 3 inch) incursion into our tour guides arse, it was all over. He was fit, but off his head. We weren't off our head enough. Taking the lead we left for a cigarette. We were alone. Stranded at the Drive-In, etc. We stumbled around aimlesy for an hour like Hellen Keller on acid, only able to make out either tattoos or/and bling on dimley lit skinhead types. With our mojo either not working or not caring, we slipped past the whale in his own juices (hot tub man), and fucked off.
Any conclusions? Still not sure what the fuss is about. The gay sauna is just one new arena for rubbish gays to feel unfortable in. Previously in the clubs, we didn't mind muscle queens, especially if our trainers were better than theirs. Stripped of our pants and footwear and faced with these same spunk/hunks we know we are as good as them, but it doesn't feel it. Curse this puny frame!!
Being and living a Rubbish Gay comes naturally to us. As it does to many of you. We like casual sex, good pop music, recreation drugs and even Colin & Justin, whatever they are on. We know there are more of you out there. We accept our place, normally looking down on you. Trust us, its easier that way. Amen.
We thank you.
Hello, you don't know us, but we know you. Call us Rubbish Gay. Readers may not be aware but on the 9th of February 2002, things changed for the UK fag. For it was on this day Will Young won Pop Idol. This crowning of a new queen ushered in a new era for the UKgay. It was finally cool to be gay again. Thank fuck. The lesbian chic movement already old and tired by this point, rolled over and died, and the gays went mainsteam. Churchill once said 'the price of freedom is eternal vigilance'. How true. For every Will Young and Alan Cumming, there is an Andrew from Phixx or a David Furnish. From this spent seed on yesterdays jizz rag, PC access and time on our hands, an idea was born.
Way back in yesterqueer, the day after yestergay, September 2003 Rubbish Gays spunked forth online. Starting more in the 'look at this twat on Gaydar' vein, we soon realised our mission was to hold up a dark mirror to the actual and the media gay. Having tackled such weighty issues as wanking over Brookside, crap gay tattoos and faulty poppers tops, we are glad to finally be seen in print. This fag rag you have in your hands will be our 1st published work. Keep it in your toilet and once read, use to wipe your arse. Shitriture!!
we have been long in the tooth for many a year Rubbish gays has always strived to be be bad so you don't have to be. Since September 2003 we have carved out our own niche online. Our dirty crack can be found at http://rubbishgays.blogspot.com/.
To buisness gents!! The Gay Sauna!! Tradinionally we at Rubbish Gays have always looked down upon the gay sauna, only for old men and perverts, we thought. However something happened on the way to Heaven, blame the drugs, the high gay-youth turn over, or even Kylie, but now everyone is at it. It seems you don't have to be a pervert to visit the bathhouse (but that still helps). Now Mr E Gay is no prude, but we do get nervous in public. Hence our hesitance to visit the bathhouse in the past. That coupled with the inability to say no kept us at an cocks length away for many a moon. What if we are spotted being bummed by a minger? What if.....?
So how after all these years of rejection could we be turned to the dark side, humiliation in a white towel?? Blame Gaydar!! As irritating as the Crazy Frog, any homo on a PC will be drawn like slack jawed yokels by the promise of 'What you want, when you want it'. Normally what we want is light banter, and offers of drugged up sessions. What we get is offers of a cock suck 40 miles away, a drunken bottom or annoying rent boys filling up the java with their slaver.
After an hour in the 'chat room' using the bio-line 'HUNG/VERS 4 SAME WILL TRAVEL 4 CHEMS', we got our third offer, the first two were vile and ignored. 'Come to the sauna, I'll pay you in' hmmmm, like a dirty jigsaw, all the pieces were coming together. So in the name of research, powered by 3 different types of drugs, and armed with our'Get Into Sauna Free' promise, 20 cigarettes and five Britsh pounds we embarked.
Fast forward to us looking uncomfortable in a white towel. Our new Gaydar pal now £18 poorer, but looking much better than his profile, shows us round the sauna. The first thing we see is a fat man in a hot tub, on his own, poppers on the side. Theres a smell, we don't like it. Onward to the lounge. There a motley selection of men, some passed out, some watching Samantha Mumba's Time Machine, others on PCs logged into....Gaydar. So far, no graphic sex requested nor sighted. Damn!! We thought this may happen.
Our guide then takes us through to the actual 'sex' bit. He says there are cabins, themed rooms, widescreen porn and decent music. Well this sounded too good to be true, it was. Lead like a pig on a rope, we followed. There was a room with lots of men wanking, themselves, hmmm. Followed by endless (K not withstanding) succession of tunnels, leading to a couple of slings in the dark. As we stood there, in silence, we realised the slings were occupied, we backed off, Mr E Gay said a prayer. Passing a dark room, we could only see a few white towel blobs moving about. Seems a 'dark room' is just that, but maybe smells more of poppers. For cabin, read shed with wipe-clean matress, porn and a faulty lock. Theme rooms?? What the fuck?? How is scary dentist a theme?
Our tour compleate, Mr E Gay and his trade retired for a bit of cabin fever. Just like the film of the same name, it was poor. It looked good but felt wrong, so wrong. After a brief (no more than 3 inch) incursion into our tour guides arse, it was all over. He was fit, but off his head. We weren't off our head enough. Taking the lead we left for a cigarette. We were alone. Stranded at the Drive-In, etc. We stumbled around aimlesy for an hour like Hellen Keller on acid, only able to make out either tattoos or/and bling on dimley lit skinhead types. With our mojo either not working or not caring, we slipped past the whale in his own juices (hot tub man), and fucked off.
Any conclusions? Still not sure what the fuss is about. The gay sauna is just one new arena for rubbish gays to feel unfortable in. Previously in the clubs, we didn't mind muscle queens, especially if our trainers were better than theirs. Stripped of our pants and footwear and faced with these same spunk/hunks we know we are as good as them, but it doesn't feel it. Curse this puny frame!!
Being and living a Rubbish Gay comes naturally to us. As it does to many of you. We like casual sex, good pop music, recreation drugs and even Colin & Justin, whatever they are on. We know there are more of you out there. We accept our place, normally looking down on you. Trust us, its easier that way. Amen.
We thank you.
[Rubbish TV on: Trisha - ITV2 - ]
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
A.D.I.D.A.S. All Day I Dream About Scallys
Oh-oh we're in trouble Triga's cum along and burst our (spunk) bubble. We had long suspected this golden era of sportswear was drawing to a close. Neds on Sky One next Monday, Burberry stopping making caps and this Triga's latest jazz festival. The scally cannot be caught on camera its a movement, an expression, a following. Somehow this DVD is the perfect zeitgeist. Wanking as education? Not quite, more a historical document. In it's defence we do like hoodies, and therefore think this could be goody!!
On an official note we are happy to see the word 'Scally' instead of Ned or Chav. Neds are all bummers and Chavs are all blouse wearers.
[Rubbish TV on: Will & Grace - LIVINGtv ]
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Bi Another Gay
Bisexuals!! If you're a real gay normally you will have a marmite reaction to them. Love them, or hate them. We like most sane homos, hate them. Not them individually (well some), but the whole 'bisexual' itself. 'Best of Both Worlds' is a term we only like to hear in reference to the best ST:TNG episodes EVER. Bisexuals are neither fish nor foul, but most likey smell of both.
The closet:This is where they live.
Their Women:They NEVER tell.
Their Men:They want them to never tell, but will regail with stories about muff diving on the missus.
Their Car: A family one. Think of the children.
Their Role Models: Mick Jagger & David Bowie. SEE MAIN PHOTO. They may have bi-bummer crazy once, but they don't talk about it now and both married models, so in fact were always straight, thank you!!
Their Relationship With other Bi/GayMen: Um, relationship?
Their Balls: Unshaven
Their Bush: Unkempt
Their Profiles On Gaydar: Lacking in words and pictures.
Their Childhood : No internal struggle with sexuality.
Their Teenage Years: No Painful 'coming-out' process.
Their TV Viewing: Men & Motors, The Bill & *snigger* football.
Their Secret TV Viewing: An old VHS copy of the rimming scene in Queer As Folk.
We would like to enter into a correspondance with a 'Bi' (men only sorry ladys), in a view to building a bridge, and publishing uninteninally humouros emails. If you are game let us know.
[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV1 - ]
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
10 Sex Tips For Yestergays & Togays
1 - Poppers are an evil necessary for some of the foul homosexual acts you as a gay will encounter. Remember though,once you pop you can't stop. See earlier expose on shoddy poppers packaging.
2 - Have a wash and make that a proper wash, inside & out. No shame in the douche, better be safe than sorry.
3 - Never accept a pig-in-the-poke. In todays clubs, online 'dating' and advance peek at the goods is always acceptable. Again, peek NOT poke large balls can oft be mistaken for cockage.
4 - Keep a towel close by, if the deed is performed in your gaff. If in their boudoir, use closest garment to hand, his best top or bedspread. His folly for not following this tip.
5 - If it won't go in, use poppers & force it
6 - If it still hurts after a minute or two, stop, repeat tip 5
7 - If you get frosty post-coital, let your sex partner know. This avoids a cock in the mouth/arse when you really just want a towel (see tip 4)
8 - There is no shame in getting dressed after the event. As host this is a signal for the guest 'the party is over'.
9 - NEVER buy condoms. This is the folly of the naffs. Safe sex packs on most gay bar tops will save you an arm & a leg. Wise to fill up on the way home.
10 - Unusual acts/choices of sex partner. Do what thou wilt, but, and here is the important part, DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHAT YOU GET UP TO. You'll have much more fun that way. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!
2 - Have a wash and make that a proper wash, inside & out. No shame in the douche, better be safe than sorry.
3 - Never accept a pig-in-the-poke. In todays clubs, online 'dating' and advance peek at the goods is always acceptable. Again, peek NOT poke large balls can oft be mistaken for cockage.
4 - Keep a towel close by, if the deed is performed in your gaff. If in their boudoir, use closest garment to hand, his best top or bedspread. His folly for not following this tip.
5 - If it won't go in, use poppers & force it
6 - If it still hurts after a minute or two, stop, repeat tip 5
7 - If you get frosty post-coital, let your sex partner know. This avoids a cock in the mouth/arse when you really just want a towel (see tip 4)
8 - There is no shame in getting dressed after the event. As host this is a signal for the guest 'the party is over'.
9 - NEVER buy condoms. This is the folly of the naffs. Safe sex packs on most gay bar tops will save you an arm & a leg. Wise to fill up on the way home.
10 - Unusual acts/choices of sex partner. Do what thou wilt, but, and here is the important part, DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHAT YOU GET UP TO. You'll have much more fun that way. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!
[Rubbish TV on: Peep Show - Channel 4 ]
Sunday, November 28, 2004
One Gay At A Time, Sweet Jesus...
Band Aid 20?? Has it really been that long. Funny how time flies when you're having drugs. Back then being a gay in public was bad, whereas nowadays its just rubbish. To mark how far we have come Living TV is currently treating us to its 'Big Gay Weekend'. We're here, we're queer, we're not going to watch!! Whats this? A dirrty protest? No shit Sherlock.
So there's gay like happy, and there's gay like crappy. The BGW suprisingly is the later. Consisting of a few episodes of Will & Grace/Japs Eye For A Naff Guy, an old Kylie, and Cabaret (for the yawnth time) it's a right pigs ear. The pigs cock though is the live final of Mr Gay UK. Starting at 10pm tonight (never on a Sunday) the masterbation is reaching fever pitch.
Covered in an earlier articles with degrees of discomfort this Fag Pag(gent) is our bette noir. Here we ached over King Fag 2004, and here was an early preview of some of tonights contestants the Mr Gay UK has gone from strength to strewth in the past few years. Previous winners have gone on to appear on TV, in porn, and on your cock for the right fee. What's in store for this years winner? Likely more of the same plus appearances on either Des & Mel or Paul O'Grady. Will probably be O'Grady though as he has a thing for dogs.
As witnessed from one of the advertising pieces above. All hands are obviously to the pumps and not the spell checker. Brian/Brain?? The word 'stupid' comes to mind.
The final insult is the venue, G-A-Y. N-O!! This is pants. We don't approve. DOWN WITH PANTS.
(We have already removed our pants and set the video. We suggest you do the same)
[Rubbish TV on: The Simpsons - SKY 1 - ]
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Let's Not Hear It For The Boy
Amerigays. They think they are better than us, they however are not. Having found US show 'Boy Meets Boy', daytimes, Channel 5, we have come to the realization American gay men, are like their naff counterparts, pure rubbish.
For those working during the day, or can't find Ch 5 on the remote, here is the lowdown. Mr A. Gay and his best freind Ms F. Hag are holed up in the desert (away from normal folk), while a number of gays are kept in seclusion, meeting Mr G for dates, dinners and various faggy activities. Our 'G' has to pick who stays & who goes. For the show, the twist is...some of them are not gay?!?!?! Outrageous!! How can they get away with it?? Simple, they are clean cut, non-threatening Amerigays. The contestants all sleep in the same room in bunk beds, we have seen plenty of videos like this. These viewings tell us that this is a potential porno in the making, but no. Not a sniff of cock, a creaky bunk, or a spunky sock anywhere to be seen.
Call us old fashioned, but a key element in compatibility between 2 average homos is sex. Whether it's how big, how often, or even whose top?? These bummer boys make no mention AT ALL of cock & ball fun whatsoever. Perhaps this is why we are down now to just 3 contestants, one of whom IS straight. Shock, horror!! Had there been a little less talk & a lot more cock, the faux fag would have been out on his arse a lot earlier. Only in America can one gay man bring another breakfast in bed, talk about kissing for 20 minutes, and not actually kiss. Had this been in blighty, after 20 mins one would be asleep and the other washing his arse out.
Maybe the selection of contestants was too rigorous, there appears to be no dirty, no flaming and no substance abusing homos. Can this be a true representation of a nations alternative sexuality? For your sakes, I fucking hope not.
PS Dani Behr hosts this mess. We bet she has sucked more cock than all 14 contestants put together, dirty bitch.
[Rubbish TV on: Reach For The Stars - BBC4 ]
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