When Good Gays Go Bad!!

What is it that makes a gay rubbish? Lets start from the top. Haircut 100, in a 'salon' style swishy with hi-lights, think Liza Minelli's seminal 'Results' Period. It says 'look at me, I'm not just a haircut!!(except that's all I am sadly). Nothing says 'I'm a cunt please stab me!!' more than wearing sunglasses in a club.

Middle, there are 2 factors that come into play here, muscle & skin colour. Rubbish gays are either pure white, or orange, thin & scrawny or so-called gym-fit. The gym fit ones will be found with a white vest top on, the Zola Buds will be wearing a tank-top/capped-sleeved top. In a club setting the white vest will be removed, folded carefully and placed in the back pocket. The thin girls will NEVER remove their tops, no matter how hot.

Bottoms, mostly jeans. The worst offenders have the bleached arse jeans, designer rips, or a small diamantie pattern. No matter what the theme they will always have a flared leg. Which bring us neatly on to the cloven hooves of the rubbish gay. Shoes that are either slip on or square toed, or both or trainers that look like ballet shoes.

Finally, accessories. A well equipped rubbish gayer will always take their mobile phone with them. At the 1st sign of paranoia, it comes out, homotexual. Put the fucking phone away!! A lollypop can been seen on some gays, others a glowstick.

You know who they are, you have seen them, in fact you may be one. As Erasure say 'It doesn't have to be like that', no Andy it doesn't.

[Rubbish music on: You Choose - Pet Shop Boys ]

The Boys From Brazil



Back To Reality, if it did not exist someone would have to invent it. What may be the best show of the year so far (barring the upcoming Tracy Beaker Movie), has just begun. Like UB40 we gays are a 1 in 10, so each reality TV show may potentially have a fag. Trouble is normally it takes a while to cotton on whos Arthur and whos Martha. Obvious poofy behaviour Eg Brian Dowling is a good marker, but like most gays we still hope that the straight boys are a bit gay too. This always leads to disappointment later on, and reflects in the votes Eg Alex Sibley. So we start BTR with one advantage, we already know who is the gay player is, Ricardo.He is either tall and tanned and lean and lovely or a stick thin Brazilian fashion horror, but he holds all our eggs in his basket. As long as he doesn't try to wear it as a hat we should be OK. Ricardo Snippergay, you are the new champion of Rubbish Gays. Your mission is to piss off most of middle-england and so-called straight-acting gay men. Good luck and God speed my South American beauty.

[Rubbish TV on: Back To Reality - Channel 5 ]

A Fan Of The Tan



Some cunts have too much time on their hands, we should know. So we were not suprised when we came across this Kelly Llorenna fan site. Kelly Lorenna Forever!! I should hope not, this is excatly the type of tripe people on their 1st E fall in love with. If you see the single above in HMV, Virgin, etc, hide it behind the Scissor Sisters please. For those who are interested we fell in love with D:Ream on our 1st E, Flesh at The Hacienca. We were wearing a red bandana & ripped jeans. It was a very different time.

[Rubbish music on: Supermodel (You Better Work) - RuPaul ]

So Lets Dance Through All Of This!!!


Here's a readers comment it was rammed savagely into our box. Having turned toward the dark side some time ago, we don't mind rough male:-

re: "take me to the Clouds above". When I moved to England, I expected to have found refuge from such eurotrash monstrosities as Lou Bega, DJ Bobo, Otzi, or (as you mentioned) Sammy, the type of cheesy dance fodder that never dared to take itself seriously and has remained a sort of in-joke within Old Blighty. Its own efforts, like the cheesy girls and steps, were made digestible by the ultra camp tongue in cheek presentation, whilst still managing to come up with some sort of novelty element, but this U2 sample loop with a demented distorted Des`ree lookalike doing a Whitney karaoke, probably recorded within 2 hours in a cheap third rate music studio, and flogged onto the streets 5 minutes after that, should be made illegal. If this kind of stuff is allowed why not make `angel dust` legally available to teenage pupils. This song is not funny, not camp, it has no melody, no originality, features a terrible voice, and a crap performance which when on TV was switched off within 10 seconds. If this is the new `hip` thing in music, or whatever them kids call it these days. No wonder that Whitney has become a crack addict then. Can Bono please stop trying to butt his big overinflated ego into the world of `politics` and sue these musical assassins, so that they can be appropriately incarcerated into the deepest dungeon, so that we may forget this atrocity ASAP. Think you might agree there, Greets Tom

Tom, is our doppelganger/nemisis/dark mirror. We are him, and we are not amused!! PS This Time I Know It's For Real by Kelly Llorenna looks to be the new LMC, down the dumper with the pair of you. Northern clubland beckons!!

[Rubbish TV on: Miss Congeniality - Channel 5 ]

Getting To Know You

dirtysubxxx>hi mate how are you?
>hi dirty
dirtysubxxx>how are you
>not too bad lad
dirtysubxxx>ok mate so you into fucking and using a lad
>not really, sounds like hard work
dirtysubxxx>well your profile says you fuck
>doh
>maybe you are just too dirrty for me (I'm goin to get all Christina on his ass)
dirtysubxxx>ok
>ring the alarm!!(wooo here I go!!)
dirtysubxxx>bye then
(oh well)

[Rubbish music on: Freddy Mercury & Montserrat Caball� - Barcelona - ]

They say it's my fault, I want it too much

Oh shit. It's all over

'Tatu sack "scandal crazy" manager'

One album, thats it, polished fake lesbo pop. Will we ever see it's like again. We wonder what Holly Johnson thinks.

[Rubbish music on: Am I The Same Girl - Swing Out Sister ]

A (Brown) Star Is Born!



Meet Miss Dusty O, London Gayers and readers of fag-mags will already recognise this one/ Soon to be a star in New York and a star in L.A. Already rubbing shoulders with the hoi-paloi as seen above. Big in Japan wann-gay Pete Burns and old rubbish Daphnie & Celeste cling as close as they dare to Miss O. Not only is she on the 'circuit', she wants the mantle of Wroking Gays Club Singer and is recording camp songs as we speak. Yes, while Posh Victoria Adams Spice Beckham struggles to get a recording contract, Dusty has been signed by Klone!! As previously highlighted Klone Records strive to bring the most poppered up hi-energy to provincial gay pubs all over Britain (eg The Jolly Farmer-Oxford). It's new single 'Kiss Me', cover of odd 80's 'Tin Tin' Duffy 45 will be in your lowest grade discoteque by about nine to five. Meanwhile back at Klone, other new releases include double A side's (is there such a thing anymore?), White Flag/Naked In The Rain by Primero, bet that's hot. Also Get The Party Started/The Land Of Make Believe by Fizzarama, popperama more like. Already our heart is racing and we feel faint and kind of sexy at the same time...

[Rubbish music on: Brown Girl In The Ring - Boney m ]

Sign and Portents

The Street, young (not yet gay) Todd getting ready to go out, asking Sarah-Lou about a male nurse going with them to the same concert. Radio Weatherfield is on in the background. 'Love at first sight' by Kylie plays. The prelude ends.

[Rubbish TV on: Coronation Street - ITV 1 ]

...and this is the one who isn't gay??



Shock Coronation Street news. Madam Rickett is to be axed!!
Poor Nick Tisley, he's had to work behind the scenes at a knicker factory for the best part of six months, he's had one gay kiss, and I don't recall him EVER taking his top off. Maybe this will allow him to finally breathe again. The world of pop watches and waits.

[Rubbish TV on: I'm A Celebrigay, Suck Me Off Down There!! - ITV 1 ]

Hear My Words They Are Dynamite


ATTENTION EARTHLINGS: Rubbish Gays is working on a new site, 'Fantastic Gays'. All gay, all 80's, all the time. If you are an eighties gay then I have a few questions for you. If you would like to take part in a very small way click here to send an E-Mail to Rubbish Towers!!

[Rubbish music on: Torch (12'') - Soft Cell ]

Three Queers in a (spunk) fountain



The Salon on Channel 4, home to some reality benders. Rubbish Gays normally watches The Simpsons but due to straight boring sport, in this case Snooker, so like Madonna we pushed the button and changed the channel. The three usual suspects above are all rubbish gayers. Meet Jorge, a big girls blouse. Then John, his hair always lets him down. Finally Terry, this ewok really gets our goat. He always has to be in the background somewhere, lurking and being generally faggy. On a positive note they are always entertaining, apart from Jorge & Terry.

[Rubbish TV on: Hollyoaks - Channel 4 ]

I believe in miracles, don't you?!



Sometimes if you think about things for long enough, they actually happen. Here it is Rick Astley's Love Songs, out next week. Maybe if we think hard enough Right Said Fred's Greatest Hits could be in our nations record emporiums by the end of the month.

[Rubbish music on: Gia - Despina Vandi ]

Step Back In Time



Rubbish gays has returned from a night out. The club we frequent has 3 dance 'arenas'. We are concerned only with the one known as the 'Hazel Dean' room. It's as if 90's never happened, poppers a-go-go. We were caught up in the mix of this magic hat trick:
Rick Astley- Together Forever
Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax
Bananarama - More, More, More

Rubbish gays has decided now that staying in is the new going out.

[Rubbish music on: Smooth - Iio ]