Five Go Off Topping

"Here they come, the beautiful ones..." I doubt Suede had this quintet in mind when this song was penned, but UK Living (Sky's default womens/gay channel) are using this theme to trumpet the arrival of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy UK'. Having only seen one advert reminisce of 5ive's glorious 'Lets dance', and some press snippets rubbish gays has very little to draw on for our pre-screening review. Lack of general information, and drawing rash conclusions is our bag, so here we go.

Looks, well they don't look good do they? Maybe the one on the far right is a bit of a looker, but maybe it's just his chin? Judging by their profiles they have a wealth of experience amongst them, for instance one of these has 'choreographed adverts for Colgate', while another has worked with Aleshas Attic. Ah the heady aroma of D-list hangs in the hair, it lies heavy like stale poppers in a Sunday Morning sauna/bath-house. Sadly even though this QEFSG is 'UK' only 2 poofs are Brits, poor show!!



Will it be crap? Who can say? Will we watch it? Will we ever mention it again? There are too many questions. One short answer is, don't bother, Channel 4 have already come up with a programme that sounded crap but is actually quite good in the form of 'Fairy Godfathers'. In that spirit have a look at the 'fairies' above. Again hounds, but in a cabbage patch way. Aww blesh 'em!!

[Rubbish TV on: Star Trek:Voyager - Sky One ]

Dale Caeser!!!

Polls, poles?!?! After watching Demi Moore in Striptease, we learned that to become a lap dancer, you need a pole & a copy of Annie Lennox's Diva. We have been running the former for far too long now. We too are tired of seeing it. Hoorah, lets kill it!!

Where on earth to start?? We have proved that you don't have to be Steps to be caught in the middle of a chain reaction. Rubbish Towers notoriously lazy, has decided to clean up the sidebar. To that note, the Whats the worst thing about being a gay' poll has officially closed!! The votes are in and displayed below. Dale, with over 50% of the votes you are the worst thing about being gay. Don't blame us, the public can be cruel.



If the stats on this poll are too much then we have drawn a venn diagram. Really we wanted to do a pie-chart, but you can't always get what you want.

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As we were searchin' for pictures for the All-Dale revue we came across this one. We call it "WHEN GAYS COLLIDE!!"



Yes its Limahl, doesn't look too shy shy. Please go look at his website thing, his hair has been a flamboyant melody of mangy dog & studio line. Rubbish Gays is also from Wigan, we walked the crooked path to get here though. Meanwhile, Limhal real name, Christopher Hamil, the neverending hair sprayed one took it up the crooked passage and is still waiting to pass a crooked sixpence in his stool. A word Chris. Kajagoogoo were a shite sandwich we of a certain age had a bit of a bite of once. Kids will eat anything. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on poor Chris, but as an ambassador for Wigan Pride Pie Eaters he falls well short. Why lovely shapely Kym Marsh once we are your dark nemesis, keep one eye-to-eye over your shoulder next time you're in Poole's Pies.

[Rubbish TV on: Carry On Up The Jungle - UKTV Gold ]

Con Te Partiro (Time to Say You're Gay)



What time is it?? Why it's cock-o-clock!! A great gift for an antique gay or a blind person. Be gay every second of the day with this wank watch. Hourly chime alternates between 'I'm Coming Out' & 'Male Stripper'.

[Rubbish TV on: Cutting It - Channel 4l ]

Searchin'....Looking for Porn!!



If the idle hand isn't on the keyboard its likely to be on the penis of most male users. Inspiration is sought from various places, but what happens if you want something a bit different? Do a 'Search'. That's right we have been checking our fag stats and found some of you, like U2 didn't find what you were looking for.

Without further ado I present (only amusing) Top Search Keywords:-

-steven you ginger knob (Poor Steven. A pair of Clippers for you then love)

-cock scaffolder (Um, summit about erections or curry?)

-mr gay uk looks like lee blue (Why yes he does!! There's your validation)

-gay lads dressed as footballers (It's call footie kit try )

-men with little pricks and boners (Man hater or bad comedown??)

-whats andy bell doing from erasure (Still promoting the 'Best of Erasure', not very well judging by this question)

-Fuck Conservatism (Make it take it like a bitch!! Dinky doo!!)

-coronation street todd cock cum ass (Whippit up his gunnell!!)

-have a wank shorts (Like 'fuck-me-shoes', but for men)


Having once listened to Blink 182, we now pay attention to...all the..small things. With that in mind and via a crooked path I bring you:-

-chicken-in-a-basket sex (see below)


This was a new one. What on earth could chicken-in-a-basket sex be? It all sounded a bit Pink Flamingos to us. We had a fag and did our own search. After exhausting seconds, hot from the crucible came...nothing. Chicken-in-a-basket sex is a myth, doesn't exist, like Ramsbottom. What we did find was much more entertaining. An online Dictionary of Gay Terms
because sometimes the words get in the way:-

Chicken-with-a-Basket: Teenager who fills out his jockey shorts, a boy with a big cock.


Rubbish Gays has booked taxi for town!! Jockey baskets here we come!!

[Rubbish TV on: Hollyoaks - Channel 4 ]

While You Were Sleeping....

We have been absent of late. Like a bent Rapunzel stuck high in Rubbish Towers, "Rapoofterzel, Rapoofterzel, let down your golden shower!!". Vile? We agree. Only one thing more 'off-colour' is Brown. We don't do brown, so you can imagine our delight when we came across this baby.



"This town needs an enema!!" never a truer words spoken Mr Nicholson, even if it has to be done one hot bott at a time. Agreed a small amount of poo is a hazard of the (bumming) job, but a quick 5 minutes with 'Tidy Butt' means you can say farewell Mr Brown Star!! Confident? Yes! Clean? Yes! Ready for love? Am I ever!!

Seriously gays, anal cleanliness is not to be sniffed at!!

[Rubbish TV on: X-Files - Sky One Mix ]

Available in All the Colours of the Speculum ...Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learned to Love the Flag

The rainbow flag, it's big, not clever therefore obviously an American invention. If the fag flag were invented here the memory and horror of the kids TV show 'Rainbow' would have put a full stop to that!! On a Rainbow note, Zippy, George, etc have been doing the pissed up student venues ie Popspastic. Stand clear, 'Rainbow' and its shoddy merchandise should be avoided at all costs. Which brings us back to the rainbow flag. Invented some time ago by A Gay & I M Juan Too (with the aid of the mice on the mouse-organ while Bagpuss slept), todays flag can be found in most Clone Zone's, rough or local gay pubs and on wall of single queens rented room.

Between the last paragraph and this we got curious to know our roots, so we did some snooping. The flag was invented by a man (yay men!), whose name is amusingly Gillbert, see him here!! Seems a printing problem in its early stages means we were deprived a treat of a flag with a 'hot pink' stripe/length.

To the issue in hand. When the Freedom Flag remains in its place, up a pole, up a Czech, etc it is garishly annoying, gay but not rubbish. However, gay shopkeepers are always on the look out for new 'homo-winning lines', as poppers, jizz mags, & cock rings are clearly just loss-leaders. This is where it all goes wrong. The flag, unlike the Spice Girls, has no copyright and as such appears appears on some shit. Buyer beware!!

	Dressing gowns CAN be cool
	You'll look a right gay in this leather!!
	Be American, proud AND rubbish at the same time
	Perfect for Martika's (Navratilova's) kitchen, baby
	Rug burns!! lets burn this horror
	You don't have to be a gay cunt to wear this, but it helps

All that glitters is not gold, and all that shit stuff has not been sold. Find it, and more jizz junk here perfect gifts for the blind & gay dads.

Mighty Rainbow flag, Rubbish Gays salute you!! May you flutter in all your beauty, like a butterfly sat on a gay friendly flower. May you be only washed once a year, prior to Annual Pride Event. Flag, like smelly cat, we know, it's not your fault *sniff*.

PS The flag is still not as shite as the little fish symbol Christians stick everywhere.

[Rubbish TV on: The Bill - ITV 1 ]

The Angela Rippon Of Pop

   Often mentioned in these pages as a source of scorn and derision, Hazell Dean may seem like a dark mystery for those born after 1982, straights, and johnny foreigners. So for those readers and regular rubbish collectors alike, 'Call her Miss Dean'.

   1983 United Kingdom. Pete Waterman, soon after inventing steam locomotion & pop music 'invents' Hazell Dean. Gays of a legal age (then 21 how queer), and lesbians of any age felt a change in the air. She was the 1st true Stock/Aitken/Waterman product, and 'Searchin' her dykey debut, is still a jewel in the SAW crown.

   Never with a man on her arm, the young Hazell fought many rumours about her sexuality, but like everyone else in the 80's bar Tony Hadley she did turn out to be 'one of us' after all. Her chart career was brief, but her impact on the gay provincial pub jukebox has been astonishing. Even as her debut hits 'Searchin' & 'Whatever I do' reach the age of consent, there will be some small dancefloor in Britain that will always be...Forever Hazell.

It was this E-mail from A. Fag that prompted this Hazerection:-



   We are always so careful with our spelling, curse our cockyness!! On the PS Gay Marvin's picture has been circulated amongst the resistance, if spotted he is to be captured and hidden along with the British airmen, until either the war is over or until his eyebrows grow normally.

   Finally. Remember back in September with introduced you to the most Rubbish Gay item EVER, the Freddie Mercury Collector Plate? Well, be prepared. The new official Rubbishiest Gay item is an album by Miss Dean. Without further ado I present a TNT fueled disc. Hazell's ABBA album. Makes getting to know a lesbian look very inviting. The hi-energy version of Nivarna's Nevermind?? It just well could be. We have no idea. Haven't heard it as suprisingly Kazaa & Winmx indicate no-one has it.



   Hazell, you're a lady. Let's keep it that way.

[Rubbish TV on: Stargate - Sky One ]