You Broke My Heart In 17 Places



As the world knows Chris Lowe is the best looking scally rent boy trade that has ever stood behind a keyboard. Brilliant new video for Flamboyant has just cum through our box, but hold on, whats this?? Chris has grown his hair??? Argh. No way, can't maintain hard-on, going limp, man down!!!!!

[Rubbish music on: Annie Lennox - Walking on broken glass ]

I Closed My Eyes (I Closed My Eyes), Drew Back The Foreskin...arrr ah


Honeytom has done me a favour. Look at these pictures above you, blot out the face first, it helps. OK mmmm not bad. Now remove thumb. Urgh!! Yes its 'H' from Steps appearing in 'a twit and his technicoloured cunt'. See now this is a lesson for all wanna be gym queens, you can so have the perfect body, but if the face is that of Fu-Manchu's Poop Chute it's not going to make one bit of difference.

Ian 'H' Watkins you stand accused of being a Rubbish Gay of the highest order. How do you plea??

H: Innocent

Damned lies. You had a crap haircut for years and it just got drapper. In your time with Rebel Faction known as S.T.E.P.S. you made nervous queens sniff too much poppers on provincial dancefloors up and down the country. Your outfits were poor consisting mainly of shiny top & shorts set. You are useless at singing, that Claire is well rid of you. She's one hag who doesn't need a fag. Now you attempt to follow in the footsteps of Jason Donavan (or J.Do), Phillip Schofield & Donny Osmond. 'I Look handsome I look smart I look like a total twat'.

H:All true I change my plee..

Too late!! Off with his head. Take him down!!

Postscript: With a bag on his head we would do him, but still be concerned about colour of pubic hair.

[Rubbish TV on: The Wicker Man - Channel 4 ]

Texting On The Dancefloor

A disturbing new trend has come to Rubbish Gays attention. Whilst undercover in one of Manchester's finest fag discos, we observed on several occasions rubbish gays in the middle of the dancefloor 'texting'. What?? Surely todays dance drugs aren't that weak, are they?? Even worse, one of our associates was texting a freind in the same (empty) club to find out where they were. In short like Celine, think twice, do you really need to text your fag hag? If you do, please move to dark corner as when gays are in 'the zone' this can really twist their melons.

Textacy aside, girl DJ's are crap. This one didn't even have the Boogie Pimps.

[Rubbish TV on: Veritas : The Quest - Sci-fi Channel ]

Wannagays



When is a gay not a gay? In this new digital age of the image & the icon it can be difficult to tell. Walk down any high street in Britain and you'll see many of these 'look gay but aren't'. If rubbish gays were younger we would fear this rise of the homo-copyus, but as we get older we have learned to look and leer. That's right straight lads, we ARE perving on you!!

The most prominent of these are Ant & Dec. Seeing Ant dressed as Kylie in the advert for the new Saturday Night Takeaway show stirred something down below in us. With that in mind here are a few snippits from a Smash Hits Interview.

You sound like the perfect couple. If things were different, would you be?

Dec: Would I go out with Ant if he was a girl? No way. He's got a hairy arse! (don't be shy)
Ant: I wouldn't have it if I was a woman would I? (touch my bum)
Dec: Oh aye. (this is life)
Ant: I wouldn't go out with Dec 'cos I know him too well. We know each other inside out, they'd be no.. mystery.


Name your showbiz chums?
Dec: Sean Maguire, Sonia.(fag-hag)
Ant: Andi Peters. (Fag)
Dec: Neil (fag!)and Chris (fit as fuck fag!) from the Pet Shop Boys.
Ant: Robbie Williams.(suspect has been faggy with Mark Owen at least once!) He's really nice.

Draw your own conclusion readers.

PS Other Wannagays include Niles from Fraiser, Chandler from Freinds & David Dickinson.

[Rubbish music on: Amazing (Full Intention Club Mix) - George Michael ]

Murder on the dancefloor



After double dropping, rubbish gays found itself coming up on a certain Legendary dancefloor in Manchester. Gleaming under the neon in best scally white trackies, top & bling. A glorious time was anticipated and expected. Then THE rubbish gay was outflanked by genuine rubbish gays!!
In a scissor movement, they appeared. To the right a skinhead bottom (braces down, denotes status). His movements can best be described as 'imagine Erasure's Andy Bell's as a marionette, then imagine the puppeteer is tripping'. As the smoke bean to pump out from the DJ box from the left came the second wave. Jumpers are not normally club wear but that didn't stop this sad old Father Dowling impersonater & his young bespectacled asian assistant. As the rush came, so did they, flailing their arms and legs around like Helen Keller. In the words of the diva on at the time 'Absolutely not!!'. Rubbish gays ran off to a dark corner until could not see hand in front of face.

In other news, we tried but couldn't be arsed to bring back a scally chicken. He mocked our dancing to 'Rhythm of the night', don't blame us, the 90's were a very different time. Our next batch of dirty cash arrives tomorrow. Just in time for Cruz 101. Pass the poppers....

[Rubbish TV on: Michael Jackson & the boy he paid off - BBC Three ]

Slack Arse

Hello readers, Rubbish Gays has been rather rubbish of late. Like Sophie Ellis Bextor we have been thrust into a mixed up world. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, likely when inspiration strikes during tommorrows Father Dowling Investigates. We have tales to tell, cages to rattle and questions to be answered. First and foremost 'who's cock is this?' a problem on our lips for most of the week.

Meanwhile our box needs ramming click here to force an entry.

[Rubbish TV on: Stargate S G-1 - Sky One ]

When Good Gays Go Bad!!

What is it that makes a gay rubbish? Lets start from the top. Haircut 100, in a 'salon' style swishy with hi-lights, think Liza Minelli's seminal 'Results' Period. It says 'look at me, I'm not just a haircut!!(except that's all I am sadly). Nothing says 'I'm a cunt please stab me!!' more than wearing sunglasses in a club.

Middle, there are 2 factors that come into play here, muscle & skin colour. Rubbish gays are either pure white, or orange, thin & scrawny or so-called gym-fit. The gym fit ones will be found with a white vest top on, the Zola Buds will be wearing a tank-top/capped-sleeved top. In a club setting the white vest will be removed, folded carefully and placed in the back pocket. The thin girls will NEVER remove their tops, no matter how hot.

Bottoms, mostly jeans. The worst offenders have the bleached arse jeans, designer rips, or a small diamantie pattern. No matter what the theme they will always have a flared leg. Which bring us neatly on to the cloven hooves of the rubbish gay. Shoes that are either slip on or square toed, or both or trainers that look like ballet shoes.

Finally, accessories. A well equipped rubbish gayer will always take their mobile phone with them. At the 1st sign of paranoia, it comes out, homotexual. Put the fucking phone away!! A lollypop can been seen on some gays, others a glowstick.

You know who they are, you have seen them, in fact you may be one. As Erasure say 'It doesn't have to be like that', no Andy it doesn't.

[Rubbish music on: You Choose - Pet Shop Boys ]