Texting On The Dancefloor

A disturbing new trend has come to Rubbish Gays attention. Whilst undercover in one of Manchester's finest fag discos, we observed on several occasions rubbish gays in the middle of the dancefloor 'texting'. What?? Surely todays dance drugs aren't that weak, are they?? Even worse, one of our associates was texting a freind in the same (empty) club to find out where they were. In short like Celine, think twice, do you really need to text your fag hag? If you do, please move to dark corner as when gays are in 'the zone' this can really twist their melons.

Textacy aside, girl DJ's are crap. This one didn't even have the Boogie Pimps.

[Rubbish TV on: Veritas : The Quest - Sci-fi Channel ]

Wannagays



When is a gay not a gay? In this new digital age of the image & the icon it can be difficult to tell. Walk down any high street in Britain and you'll see many of these 'look gay but aren't'. If rubbish gays were younger we would fear this rise of the homo-copyus, but as we get older we have learned to look and leer. That's right straight lads, we ARE perving on you!!

The most prominent of these are Ant & Dec. Seeing Ant dressed as Kylie in the advert for the new Saturday Night Takeaway show stirred something down below in us. With that in mind here are a few snippits from a Smash Hits Interview.

You sound like the perfect couple. If things were different, would you be?

Dec: Would I go out with Ant if he was a girl? No way. He's got a hairy arse! (don't be shy)
Ant: I wouldn't have it if I was a woman would I? (touch my bum)
Dec: Oh aye. (this is life)
Ant: I wouldn't go out with Dec 'cos I know him too well. We know each other inside out, they'd be no.. mystery.


Name your showbiz chums?
Dec: Sean Maguire, Sonia.(fag-hag)
Ant: Andi Peters. (Fag)
Dec: Neil (fag!)and Chris (fit as fuck fag!) from the Pet Shop Boys.
Ant: Robbie Williams.(suspect has been faggy with Mark Owen at least once!) He's really nice.

Draw your own conclusion readers.

PS Other Wannagays include Niles from Fraiser, Chandler from Freinds & David Dickinson.

[Rubbish music on: Amazing (Full Intention Club Mix) - George Michael ]

Murder on the dancefloor



After double dropping, rubbish gays found itself coming up on a certain Legendary dancefloor in Manchester. Gleaming under the neon in best scally white trackies, top & bling. A glorious time was anticipated and expected. Then THE rubbish gay was outflanked by genuine rubbish gays!!
In a scissor movement, they appeared. To the right a skinhead bottom (braces down, denotes status). His movements can best be described as 'imagine Erasure's Andy Bell's as a marionette, then imagine the puppeteer is tripping'. As the smoke bean to pump out from the DJ box from the left came the second wave. Jumpers are not normally club wear but that didn't stop this sad old Father Dowling impersonater & his young bespectacled asian assistant. As the rush came, so did they, flailing their arms and legs around like Helen Keller. In the words of the diva on at the time 'Absolutely not!!'. Rubbish gays ran off to a dark corner until could not see hand in front of face.

In other news, we tried but couldn't be arsed to bring back a scally chicken. He mocked our dancing to 'Rhythm of the night', don't blame us, the 90's were a very different time. Our next batch of dirty cash arrives tomorrow. Just in time for Cruz 101. Pass the poppers....

[Rubbish TV on: Michael Jackson & the boy he paid off - BBC Three ]

Slack Arse

Hello readers, Rubbish Gays has been rather rubbish of late. Like Sophie Ellis Bextor we have been thrust into a mixed up world. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, likely when inspiration strikes during tommorrows Father Dowling Investigates. We have tales to tell, cages to rattle and questions to be answered. First and foremost 'who's cock is this?' a problem on our lips for most of the week.

Meanwhile our box needs ramming click here to force an entry.

[Rubbish TV on: Stargate S G-1 - Sky One ]

When Good Gays Go Bad!!

What is it that makes a gay rubbish? Lets start from the top. Haircut 100, in a 'salon' style swishy with hi-lights, think Liza Minelli's seminal 'Results' Period. It says 'look at me, I'm not just a haircut!!(except that's all I am sadly). Nothing says 'I'm a cunt please stab me!!' more than wearing sunglasses in a club.

Middle, there are 2 factors that come into play here, muscle & skin colour. Rubbish gays are either pure white, or orange, thin & scrawny or so-called gym-fit. The gym fit ones will be found with a white vest top on, the Zola Buds will be wearing a tank-top/capped-sleeved top. In a club setting the white vest will be removed, folded carefully and placed in the back pocket. The thin girls will NEVER remove their tops, no matter how hot.

Bottoms, mostly jeans. The worst offenders have the bleached arse jeans, designer rips, or a small diamantie pattern. No matter what the theme they will always have a flared leg. Which bring us neatly on to the cloven hooves of the rubbish gay. Shoes that are either slip on or square toed, or both or trainers that look like ballet shoes.

Finally, accessories. A well equipped rubbish gayer will always take their mobile phone with them. At the 1st sign of paranoia, it comes out, homotexual. Put the fucking phone away!! A lollypop can been seen on some gays, others a glowstick.

You know who they are, you have seen them, in fact you may be one. As Erasure say 'It doesn't have to be like that', no Andy it doesn't.

[Rubbish music on: You Choose - Pet Shop Boys ]

The Boys From Brazil



Back To Reality, if it did not exist someone would have to invent it. What may be the best show of the year so far (barring the upcoming Tracy Beaker Movie), has just begun. Like UB40 we gays are a 1 in 10, so each reality TV show may potentially have a fag. Trouble is normally it takes a while to cotton on whos Arthur and whos Martha. Obvious poofy behaviour Eg Brian Dowling is a good marker, but like most gays we still hope that the straight boys are a bit gay too. This always leads to disappointment later on, and reflects in the votes Eg Alex Sibley. So we start BTR with one advantage, we already know who is the gay player is, Ricardo.He is either tall and tanned and lean and lovely or a stick thin Brazilian fashion horror, but he holds all our eggs in his basket. As long as he doesn't try to wear it as a hat we should be OK. Ricardo Snippergay, you are the new champion of Rubbish Gays. Your mission is to piss off most of middle-england and so-called straight-acting gay men. Good luck and God speed my South American beauty.

[Rubbish TV on: Back To Reality - Channel 5 ]

A Fan Of The Tan



Some cunts have too much time on their hands, we should know. So we were not suprised when we came across this Kelly Llorenna fan site. Kelly Lorenna Forever!! I should hope not, this is excatly the type of tripe people on their 1st E fall in love with. If you see the single above in HMV, Virgin, etc, hide it behind the Scissor Sisters please. For those who are interested we fell in love with D:Ream on our 1st E, Flesh at The Hacienca. We were wearing a red bandana & ripped jeans. It was a very different time.

[Rubbish music on: Supermodel (You Better Work) - RuPaul ]